Caroline & JohnnyI am happy that you are Free… free of the life-long struggle to know Peace of mind and Peace in your soul.

Johnny, you are without a doubt the most precious man I have ever known. You have a very tender heart, as well as the incorrigible ability to always show up for me. I know you managed a lot of complex issues, but you never dumped them on me. You always were the consistent and lovable person I knew from early childhood. You were the template for “Brother” that I will always insist on if any other brother ever comes my way!

We could laugh… we could play… we could really see life and family with a sense of humor. I think that saved our souls.

Emotion rips through me as I attempt to write this message to you. Your last words to me, “Don’t Cry,” describe the Niagara Falls of tears that simply prove how much I have and have not listened to your wisdom over the nearly 70 years of our sibling relationship. Big Sister and Little Brother… we have traded roles so many times into Big Brother and Little Sister.

I always depended on your wisdom even when you doubted it yourself. You have never been a burden, but always a deep well of kindness and love where I could land and feel safe. I still feel that you are very near.

I hear you now stronger and louder than ever. I comb through the photos of our family life, our visits to one another, our crack-up funny birthday cards, Christmas Cards, and my annual Easter call to you reminding you to wear your cute little plaid vest, pictured somewhere in the archives when you were about five and we hunted for Easter Eggs at Indian Hills Country Club… then lovingly fighting over who got the most chocolate marshmallow ones.

We survived our mother’s illness, living with our grandfather during her hospitalization… meeting in the kitchen to fill our lost tummies with cans of Campbells Tomato Soup and Hormel Chili, followed by three-stack packages of Oreo cookies and milk. We were for one another the love we were seeking! Our childhood bonded us into beloveds with a money-back guarantee that we were always meant to be 100% there for one another. And we always were.

That has been our gift to one another… to be the love that our little souls would seek. To be the one most trusted friend in all the world. We are one another’s deepest connection to Source through each other. We always will be. And we could share such deep intimacies, especially when as adults we broke the ice and began talking about sex. That was a big taboo for two little Kansas kids, but it allowed us to acknowledge and gain respect for one another as whole adults, not just little kids pretending to be grown up.

I could always tease you!!! The green hand that appeared in the shadows of childhood story-telling followed us until death parted us. I remember telling you in the hospital to ‘look for the green hand… it would guide you home’. Some folks say look for the Light, but we had our own language and imagery, didn’t we my beloved brother?

I am so grateful to Celedra and her family for they held you in family love these past years, where your soul could rest and begin to let go to the wonders of love and support. I wished I could have done that for you, but I know you got exactly what you needed and so deserved, dearest One.

I am forever and always your Sister in this life and hopefully in all of our lives to come…. Or any combination of togetherness that we might choose… I will always be your

Carolyn…

Kernie …

Sister…

… and all of the nick names you had to live with!!!

About Caroline Muir

Caroline is a published author of two books… Tantra, The Art of Conscious Loving published by Mercury House and Tantra Goddess, A Memoir of Sexual Awakening … Monkfish Publishing. Caroline loves to write! Her success as a seminar leader and educator has been featured in Elle, Glamour, The Wall Street Journal, Yoga Journal and many other publications.

29 Responses to “To My Beloved Brother Johnny”

  1. Rama

    Hi Carolyn, SO sorry for your loss. The empty space in your heart should hold all those special memories you have with your brother. The actual hurt will lessen with time. Love and memories remain. May the peace your brother has surround you as you feel him near.

  2. Carla

    What a beautiful letter to your brother; such love. Thank you for sharing with us.

  3. Heather Outlaw

    Oh Sweetest! I’m sorry. Thank you for the beautiful chance to spend a moment in your heart as you grieve. I love you forever Your Heather

  4. Mary Campbell

    This is such a beautiful tribute to your brother, Caroline. I love what you said that he will be the template for what a brother must always entail! Blessings these weeks and months as your heart heals and he speaks at work you need to you. I send my love. Mary

  5. Hope

    Dear Caroline,
    Thank you for sharing Johnny with me (and us) and for bringing your relationship to our field of vision. Through your words and imagery, I can feel who Johnny was (and is) and who you each were to one another. What a profoundly beautiful gift – two souls filling each other up with love exactly when you both needed it.
    Your rituals and delight in one another spoke to my heart…
    I am sending you a Huge Hug and So Much Love as you walk through this process.
    xoxoxoxo Hope

  6. Melina Bridges

    Dearest Caroline,
    Such a sweet letter to heaven filled with love and rememberance. I imagine your brother smiling as he receives them, extending his green hand forward to take yours as you go forward in a new way. Peace and love to you both.
    I look forward to going to your workshop with Amrita next month!
    May the loving embrace of the Blue Ridge mountains hold you close.
    Sending you love and light,
    Melina

  7. Caroline

    Thank you one and all. My brother is a steady force of strength and love that is never-ending! I so appreciate all of your words… so comforting!

  8. JOAN FRANCESC

    Beautiful and ouching letter full of deep love.
    Thanks for sharing. It remains me the love we have each other with my little sister

  9. Betty

    Dearest Caroline, sharing with me/us through the window of your words, your lovingly precious, sublimely connecting relationship with your ever present brother in heaven, continuing through your expanding loving thoughts and feelings. Thank you, what a gift—letting me witness you, dear daughter of God.

  10. Jazmin Miranda

    Dear Caroline, I’m so sorry for your loss and so grateful you shared this beautiful and love filled letter to your brother with us. Blessings to Johnny, to you and all the ones whom love and miss him. RIP ❤️❤️❤️??????

  11. Sylvie Moonjay

    Thank you dear friend for the sharing of your heart and soul. For the courage and willingness to unwind and let go through the pure expression of your gratitude and love. I love you ? my friend and I am here a short distance away. I am sharing this depth of feelings with you and the alive knowing of that pain and that limitless joy and gratitude. Hello Dear Johnie.
    I love you. ❤️ moonjay?

  12. Judy

    So much love for you, Caroline. You and Johnny had and have such a beautiful bond. I appreciate your sharing this and letting us know the Johnny you know. <3

  13. Mare Simone

    Dearest Beloved Caroline, our tears become like rainbows as they release into the light. I feel honored to have met Jonny, thank you for the gift of knowing him. Such a loving spirit will never die… just changes form to embrace more love than before. Just as you feel him stronger than ever… I can only imagine that he in his Lightbody feels you and pours his BIGGEST Love upon you with divine presence.
    Brightest Blessings. With big embraces! ❤️ Marsie

  14. Linda Salinas

    Dear Caroline, my heart feels deeply for your loss of your brother here on Earth. If your written words could touch my soul, feeling love and pain, your spoken words for him has touched and will remain with his Spirit always for all eternity. You are a beautiful sister and he was the world to you as a brother, as a friend. Embrace your memories of time together and cherish every moment of every day that passes until you see one another again. Spirit lives eternally, embrace your Spirit and live with blessings and peace. Truly, Linda

  15. gretchen

    What a beautiful gift you are to each other, how wonderfully expanded your relationship is now..wishing you comfort during this time<3

  16. Lidija

    Dear Caroline, I feel every nuance of every word you say, have a brother as well, light in my life. So grateful that both of us can experience such a beauty and immerse ourselves in it. Lidija

  17. Rose Mahan

    So much gratitude I feel for you sharing this letter today. Your love inspires me. Your vulnerability gives me permission to feel my own. Thank you and many blessings to you and your bro. Love like that never ever ends.

  18. Linda Compton

    Caroline: I certainly can relate. I was the love of my brother’s life from the earliest time I can remember. I love him, miss him and will always. There is no one like a wonderful brother. Just remember “Love Don’t Go NoWhere”. It is always with us. You be well and stay loved,
    Linda Compton

  19. diane greenberg

    My sweet deep Queen, I miss you very much. You have been on my heart very very strong all this last week. Your letter to Johnnie has me tearful and filled with gratitude for the love the two of you shared and will share for eternity. I love you, tamales

  20. Giselle

    Dear Carolyn,
    Thank you for sharing this love letter to your brother, I am deeply touched and also happy to know you had such a loving relationship with your brother. May this sustain you during this time. I am sure he will continue to watch over you from the other side. With love and blessings to you,

  21. Cassie

    May your heart continue to be full with the memories you shared! What a love you had!! It’s amazing how much childhood experiences bond us for life. I have a similar tale with my sister God for sure prepares us for what is to come by grounding us in this love which carries us through to the end of this existence. Thank you for sharing your heart in this beautiful story of love

  22. Robin

    What a special relationship. Thank you for sharing. Condolences to you and yours.

  23. asha

    I kiss your heart gently as you travel the road of sorrow. i give thanks for your open authentic sharing and the transparency that you live from! You have always been a roll model of how to be true to your self and be deeply real. blessing dear goddess.

  24. Charles Muir

    Blessings to you dear Caroline. It was a pleasure sharing your brother Johnny over the many years of our relationship. I love your writing and the love you had for Johnny.
    I love you forever,
    Chazzie

  25. Jade

    Queenest…..I am ripped open and ripped again by reading your love letter to Johnny and the beyond. Though I didn’t know Johnny that well, I could feel that thing you describe…the well of love and the soft heart that he was. Thank you for sharing your tenderest heart with all the world…all ways and always. I love you and send oceans of love to the shared heart between you and Johnny. Big mushy hugs, Jade’

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