Whether it’s tantric sex, male-female sex, same-gender sex, porn sex, slow sex, sacred sex, or wild and crazy sex, when you boil it down to the bare facts, sex is still sex. A slow smile often creeps up on the face of someone reminded to think about sex. The word alone conjures very different images for different people. But it usually includes images of naked bodies doing things with one another that either includes or features their respective genitalia. But what about sex and monogamy?

The mention of oral sex also carries a lot of lively interest for many. I believe most men love receiving oral sex and enjoy it as a primary offering during sex. I have also known men who do not desire oral sex over intercourse. This may be a relief for some women as the size of a lingam is not always a perfect fit with the size of a woman’s mouth. (My dentist told me once that my mouth is small.)

Women also love receiving oral sex, but the act often makes women uneasy, with expectations that they should orgasm faster than is natural for them in order to please the giver for their efforts to pleasure her. And it can be difficult to explain exactly what works. We also can be overly concerned with how we taste or our scent, impacting our ability to simply be able to relax into receptivity.

Oral pleasure may become an issue for couples, especially as they age. Women often have a lot of issues around accepting their bodies as they grow older, and men find the positions for oral pleasuring uncomfortable (or so they tell me). I am interested in the opinions of young people about oral sex, as I was once told that they don’t consider oral sex as falling into the category of “sex,” but merely a safe sideline before the final act of “hooking up.” This sounds pretty lame in my opinion, but I doubt the vocabulary when I was a teenager was much better. We were told to have NO Sex Until Marriage, which was supposed to solve everything.

Let me tell you… it did not solve anything! If only I could have experienced oral pleasure as “okay” before marriage, I would have had a much more successful wedding night! Virginity was still a sacred gift for the husband of choice back in 1961.

I am currently inside of the discussion about whether it is acceptable for a woman to invite oral pleasure from someone who is not her partner in a committed relationship. If it’s not sex, then what is it? Does this fall into the category of adultery? Or a break in the vow of monogamy? Do our genitals automatically belong to our primary significant other? Who writes the rules other than ourselves?

I imagine that “confidence” is also in the mix for a man choosing not to pleasure a woman with his mouth. Of course, the woman must gently guide her lover into the intricacies of the oral arts, which is not always easy to do. Every woman is different at different times of the day, night, or month… yet the universal song I hear from women about men is “slow down”!

I do believe that a man has the inalienable right to refuse service! Just as women have the inalienable right to refuse (do they still call them “blow jobs”?) I think so! Yet the Tantric language for the oral arts is so elegant and respect-filled. “Honoring” the yoni or the lingam, which in no way requires a happy ending, though many desire just that.

And so my question looms for women who are in committed or monogamous relationships. Is it wrong to expect or request the “freedom” to receive the gift of oral pleasure from another, especially from another woman where intercourse will not follow? Do we need permission? Are our bodies sacrosanct unto ourselves, or does every inch of tissue belong to the beloved?

Please feel free to offer your opinions, unsigned if desired, and we will gather the data. It brings me to the following questions:

A) What is monogamy to you?
B) Are you creating your own version of monogamy in your relationship?

Thank you for participating in my inquiry,

In curious erotic intelligence, Caroline

About Caroline Muir

Caroline is a published author of two books… Tantra, The Art of Conscious Loving published by Mercury House and Tantra Goddess, A Memoir of Sexual Awakening … Monkfish Publishing. Caroline loves to write! Her success as a seminar leader and educator has been featured in Elle, Glamour, The Wall Street Journal, Yoga Journal and many other publications.

20 Responses to “Sex and Monogamy – What Does it Mean to You?”

  1. Cathleen

    I️ it is my thought that monogamy is not about ownership but rather a mutual choice to love one another in ways that are agreed upon.

  2. Mary

    I am still not sure. I want to clear up my mind. I prefer not to have relations with a cassanova who meanders everywhere. However I like my freedom.There are offers and something I think Why don’t I just go for it. I have no relationship at this time and really like sex and want it.
    Plus at my age what have I to lose?!

  3. Val

    Cathleen, mutual agreement with love is comfortable to me, thank you.
    As a young crone in my early 60’s I am committed to awaken & ask universal spirit “what is next, how do I live greatest benefit for all with integrity, what really is MY truth & how to proceed??”
    I am open to the possibilities & love, love, love how my path is turning & twisting.
    Rock on my sistas & brothas💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

  4. Lisa

    I have a very powerful tendency to connect through intimate touch, especially sexual intercourse and oral sex, where I completely let go and place myself in the hands of my trusted lover with my thinking mind shut off. My inner warrior protects my inner child from being hurt through liaisons where there is no lasting connection intended. This is how I was made. I’m now learning sacred touch through tantric practices, where the energy is safe within the tantric bubble. And I am becoming my own best lover, because I am still seeking my king and I thoroughly enjoy what my body is capable of – I’ve always been multi-orgasmic, and I make emrita. Fast, slow, energetic, powerful, passionate sex- its all good for me, but I can’t turn it into something casual and meaningless, because it creates golden bonds with my partner.

    • Amrita Grace

      I love this comment, Lisa! I also experience golden bonds with my partner. I have deep energetic entwinements via lovemaking, and the idea of my partner having other sexual partners leads me to feel as though I would be making love with his other partners as he would bring back those energetic entwinements. That would really not work for me, and that includes oral sex (which is MOST DEFINITELY sex IMHO).

  5. Raene

    I think anything sexual is outside of the realm of monogamy. I don’t think we are made to be monogamous but it certainly is easier to be the one receiving outside of the relationship than watching a primary partner. Jealousy is such a strong emotion and yet so human. I don’t want my partner to own my genitals (or any of my body) but I don’t love the thought of them straying. It’s so tricky.

  6. Pamela

    I have not learned to love oral sex yet. I am aware of the deep pleasure of it, but find myself missing the connection to my partner. The ability to kiss and look into their eyes while enjoying sex. I prefer intercourse for this reason and the usually laborious teaching curve to get them to do it softly and slowly. Same with intercourse.
    The entire experience of sex has become something I crave and still find myself, as an older single woman, choosing long bouts of celibacy because I only want to be “in love” when doing it, monogamous when doing it, and swept away with emotion and the need to give myself entirely.
    I aim for the swirl of merged energies which is something most men are not even aware of or care about. That to me is successful, fulfilling, sacred orgiastic communion. That is what I want.
    Oral sex feels disconnected and isolated. I appreciate the effort to give me pleasure, but miss the swirling together in bliss and ecstacy.

  7. Betsy

    Sounds like most women commenting are single. When you are with a beloved that you feel an infinite ability to learn about love and sharing your god-spark with, I don’t feel there is any draw to go to another. Our consciousness isn’t mature enough to go all the way, let someone all the way in, with one person let alone many. Why settle for physical pleasure when the whole package of growing our ability to accept deeper and deeper love with our partner is where our spiritual growth and heart-exploding physical/emotional/spiritual fulfillment comes from? The container of love is too precious to invade and possibly ruin. Any desire needs to bring us back to “why” are we not opening where we are?

  8. Iolani Deva

    I have a need to be free to express what I feel moment to moment. Monogamy does not work for me. I have tried it many times. I live in the moment and am true to myself first. The only way I could be Monogamous is if it would be a choice that I am truly choosing moment to moment. This way of being is working very well for me. No limits to my love and how it is expressed is how I enjoy living my life.

    • Cathleen

      Good for you! A lifestyle that sounds appealing but I am in a monogamous marriage for 30 something years and I do not want any to break my husbands heart and I️ still life be him

      • Raene

        I don’t think anyone wants to break anyone’s heart. If you can be happy monogamous power to you. It’s all about knowing what you need and asking for that in a relationship. I’m in my 30s with kids and a long term relationship and I cannot possibly be monogamous. We are all different.

        • Amrita Grace

          Vive la difference! I respect all paths of relationship as long as they are consensual and in integrity with oneself. Thanks for sharing, Raene.

  9. Nicole

    welcome to opportunity to talk about this. Im not in a relationship as such, I have a weekend boyfriend who loves oral sex, I mean he loves doing in and loves when I do it with him and also I do it for him and enjoy that a lot. Oral sex is a great prelude to penetrative sex. Also it is a wonderful thing to do as the main event. either for your man together or him for you. I love it and find he also does. It kinda makes things extend and grow and you can really hear and feel the pleasure he is getting from it.

  10. Diana

    At 70 many issues invade your life. I have a
    Loving monogamous husband, but he suffer ED. I am still desiring great sex. I pleasure myself sometimes and think about how to have more wonderful sex with others.

  11. caroline muir

    Well… I must say this is a rich dialogue, and thank you all for joining in! I love presenting food for thought while responses weave us into such a stimulating cloak of many colors! In wondrous Wonder, Caroline

  12. Cathleen

    I have come to realize that sex is not just sex. We are all creative beings with the ability to move energy into all sorts of forms. In my sexual encounters i believe that I am creating whatever my energetic forces have agreed to create. Sex, love making, deep energetic connections are the part of my power to create. The beauty of this is to not be overlooked by our orgasmic pleasure. All of it is a message of love and beauty of the amazing creative beings that we truly are!

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