Tantric Breakup

We unwove as consciously as we had woven ourselves together…and that was very, very consciously and slowly, during four days of deep purification and energy work–and energy play–at a Tantra retreat that left no shadows undiscovered. On the last evening. Finally. We kissed. And I realized.

At first glance, he had been too beautiful for me, and therefore, I surmised, gay—so well groomed, such good posture, pen perfectly placed beside his journal. Beautiful men are surely vain. Or gay. That was the easiest way to dismiss this man who stood out in the circle of 40. But he wouldn’t easily be dismissed. For example, one day at lunch I had a passing, silent, fantasy: wouldn’t it be great if this retreat had waiters, who’d take my plate and bring me dessert—and just then the beautiful and surely vain man beside me offered to take my plate and bring me dessert. I was stunned. I let him. Way to make my dreams come true!

The first day of the retreat, during a very boundaried exercise, women had been instructed to ask their partner (whether brought from home or met mere hours ago at the workshop) what level of touch he was comfortable with: on his perineum or inches away.  So I had asked him, my partner of the moment, my beautiful, surely vain, possibly gay, future psychic waiter. Let’s call him Rudy.

“What level of touch would you like?” I asked.

Rudy replied, with zero attachment, “Whatever you’re comfortable with,” and I was struck by his verbal chivalry. It mattered not to him how he was touched; he cared about his partner’s comfort level. There was something about him.

Me being me, by the end of that very clearly instructed, efficiently orchestrated Tantra exercise, I had my hand in his pants. That was not part of the instruction. But I can be spontaneous. I like to break rules. Hand in pants was what I was comfortable with! Here was this gorgeous young specimen spooned in front of me, either gay or not gay, definitely not vain, but cute and fresh with his Aveda scent, and there went my hand. He was irresistible. I was opportunistic. We were enjoying getting acquainted. But I had some well-set boundaries and had lunch with someone else that day.

At the end of the second to last night of the workshop, late, when clothes were a distant memory to all of us, when all the body paint had been used on each other, I noticed that someone in his group had scrawled on his bare abdomen, like graffiti, “Sublime lingam,” with an arrow pointing downward. Couldn’t help but notice. I’d noticed his sublime lingam too, more than once in that 5-day course when we’d been unclothed. It was just plain sweet. I noticed a fleeting bit of envy that someone else had labeled his lingam. To be honest, I am much more taken by women than men. But this man was cracking my foundation…in a good way, gently, thoroughly. The next night, the final night of the workshop, fully clothed, when all of the guided moments of the puja were over, in a moment of play, I surprised him with a full frontal kiss on the mouth. Immediately, I too was surprised: I really, really liked it.

Who knew?

He did. He’d had his third eye on me since long before the retreat, when he had created a vision to meet a woman just like me…and had an intuition to attend this level two Tantra retreat, “knowing” he would meet her there. At a meal, he had overheard me telling a friend that I would love to have a male Tantra partner who was willing to dive deep with me, and not have it be about going to a movie and dinner first. I wanted the sex to come first.  I wanted it to be just about sex. I was not into dating or having a boyfriend.  I wanted to learn to move my sexual energy, unite my Shakti with Shiva, whatever that even would mean in real life.  I could go to movies with my friends. I could go to movies alone. I wanted Divine sexual Union.  In case he’d been wondering whether I was the woman he’d created in his intention or not, this clinched it. Little did I know–I hadn’t even known he’d been listening.

Over the next few days of the retreat we spent plenty of time giggling and partnering and rubbing each other’s feet and on the last night decided that the retreat would not be the end of Us. I arrived home to a poem he had written and emailed me. About Us. We plunged into what became a five and a half year long-distance revelry. Right away, we decided not to call it a ‘relationship,’ which implied effort, compromise, goals, seriousness.

“Let’s call it a journey,” I offered, and we embarked.

Before our first sexual experience, I said, “I want to love you as much as I love you and not have it be about anything. Not about diamond rings or moving or the future. I want it to be about love itself.”

“Perfect,” he said, in his laconic way, with the smile that fed my heart. And I committed to love him as much as I loved him, whatever that meant in any given moment, and if I didn’t feel the love, it would be all about me and zero about him. That was our mutual commitment.

Rudy was so easy to love, and as a bonus, he could make chai from scratch and came equipped with countless compelling stories about traveling in India. I was enchanted. He was funny, excellent in the kitchen, and he gave me plenty of space to be me. Over the years, I loved him no matter what, trained myself to recognize and transform any judgment about him that would seek to keep me out of Love. I learned there was nothing he needed to change about who he was; I just needed to release my own habit of judgment.

Let’s never wish we were anywhere other than Here Now, we decided at the end of our first weekend together. Let’s not want what we don’t have. Let’s channel the love and desire into our own life rather than wishing we were together when we’re apart. And…the biggest: we will handle our own issues, seeing each other as mirror. Period. I commit. Only if we absolutely couldn’t resolve an issue on our own would we bring it to each other’s attention. It was pure bliss. Whether he flew to Chicago or I flew to Miami, it was about sex, reverence, play, indulgence. Not about issues.

“Just so you know, I can’t be monogamous,” I had said that first weekend. “It’s not who I am.”

“Ok,” he said. “Whatever works for you.”

“Actually, I want to be monogamous,” I said, the second weekend, a few weeks later. “With you.”“Ok,” he said. “Me too.”

Immediately, people—friends, clients–began to ask me where our relationship was going, what our plans were. “It’s a journey. No destination,” I’d say, and that didn’t always register. So I would over-explain. “It’s a journey. It’s not about where we aren’t, what we don’t have. I have a partner who looks at me with reverence. He doesn’t want anything from me, except to be a mirror. I don’t want it to be anything other than what it is.”

“But really, when are you going to get married?” they’d ask. People had simply no paradigm for a girl-boy alliance that wasn’t “going” somewhere, leading to something permanent.

We had made an agreement around sex, right away. There was no flirting or messing around, no wondering who would make a move. We made as clear an agreement as we could make. It went like this: “Let’s have sex.” And at any given time, after sex, or after breakfast, or during dinner—often—one of us would say, “Let’s talk about sex.” It was our favorite topic. There was no stone left unturned; neither of us was too shy to say how something felt, what we wanted more of, less of. We both cared about how we could generate more energy to play in, how we could circulate that energy, between, within, around us. It was heavenly.

More than one person—and these were the people who I could actually tell—wondered how on earth we could have sex for four hours a day.  “Well, we split it up.  It’s about two hours in the morning.  Two in the afternoon.” Rarely did we have sex at night, before bed, like everyone else. (That was our time for eating pie.)

But what on earth do you do for two hours, they would wonder aloud. And what makes it tantric? And do you ever just want to have a quickie? And does he ever get to ejaculate?

These are all good questions. We could have sex for four hours a day because we had magnets implanted at the beginning of time, magnets that drew us to each other. I have no better explanation. We were drawn.  e knew there was a higher purpose to it, and the purpose was to move this supercharged energy, to not have sex be about sex, but about personal transformation, then about making the world a better place. Whatever we wanted to clear up, clean up—that’s where we would direct the energy, intuitively and intentionally. He could tell which way the energy was flowing—or not flowing, which was a special gift of his. As we cooked, we blessed our food with the sacred energy we had created; it was a way of reabsorbing it. Sexual energy wasn’t lost in the way that it is during Western sex, because, even if we did eventually have orgasms, it was after transmuting the energy.

I think it worked—we worked–because in addition to loving sex, we both loved to meditate; our sex was a compelling combination of both. Before ever meeting me, he had practiced maintaining an erection, which required a level of discipline; but if he didn’t maintain it, I didn’t fear that it was about me. (And if he did accidentally prematurely ejaculate (which for us meant, well, 45 minutes in) then, of course, it was about me; because he just couldn’t control himself.) I had no reason to ever think I was anything but utterly compelling to him. Because we had no issues—not because we had no issues, but because of our initial commitment to have no issues.

Did we ever want to have a quickie? No. What made it tantric? Being conscious of the energy flow, conscious of knowing each other as Divine. Being conscious of every breath, every moment, while in ecstasy. Sending the energy where we wanted it to go. Did he get to ejaculate? Yes! He knew when it was physically necessary, and his timing was masterful. (And if I may digress, did you know that the ejaculate of a meditator is known to be supercharged with consciousness? Indeed. I have a friend who once requested semen from a monk so she could use it for a facial. It’s a long—and funny—story. Truly one of my coolest, most self-realized friends. So, men who save their semen, tantricly—men who run the sexual energy through their body without ejaculating—as opposed to monks, who we assume don’t run any sexual energy at all—have some very precious nectar.  Sort of a fountain of youth.)  Meanwhile, in addition to experiencing the delights of Rudy’s Shiva energy, we would also explore the secrets of female ejaculate.  The female body is quite the storehouse for emotions. I’d laugh, then cry hysterically. Or cry, then laugh hysterically. Then we’d have to rest.  There was just no TIME for a quickie.

What intrigued me, ultimately, even more than sex with him, was, actually, pujas, blessings, ritual.  Sex goes hand in hand with puja, for me, and at this level of sexual-spiritual, I can barely tell them apart.  Reverence was the main course.  I was just as happy to be fully clothed, blessing him in any way my imagination permitted.  And he was willing to receive what the Goddess, as embodied by his earthly partner, had to offer.  Even though it was all about sex with us, at the same time it was not at all about sex.  At least in the traditional sense.

No one understood.  And that was fine.

We could do it forever.

Until we didn’t.  Until…five plus years in.  It seemed as though we had peaked.  Our journey a macrocosm, in a way, for the act of intercourse itself.

It was time to either set new intentions or separate.

When we broke up, I released so much energy, so much, I could barely identify it all.  It filled my car, where I sat, holding my phone.  It was fear and dread…and I didn’t make up any stories around it. I just felt it. There had been nothing to fear except the fear of breaking up, which had built up in me, and maybe us, over a couple of months.  When he’d answered his phone, I had said, “One of us needs to be the one to call the other one and break up, so, I volunteer.

“Ok,” he said.

Just like when we had come together, when we broke up there was a recurrent question from my posse out in the real world:  “What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” I would reply.  “It was just time.  The energy was no longer supporting our Union.”

“But…what did he do, what happened with you two?  You seemed so in love!”  We were.  So in love.

The first cultural assumption is that a good and viable relationship must be permanent.  The second assumption is that surely something went wrong if it didn’t “last.”  Who made this up?  That true love lasts forever is such a prevalent assumption. What if true love and true union and the beauty of coming together have nothing to do with permanence?  What if they have to do with presence? Until you choose not to be present?

“What happened?” people asked, with deep sympathy. “I am so sorry!” It was difficult to explain why there was nothing to be sorry about, without sounding delusional, in denial, new agey…the expectation of pain was so high, among everyone.  I really did sound like I was in denial. I found myself almost wondering if something were indeed wrong with me…callousness, for example.  Because it didn’t hurt.  It felt great.

“And how is he taking this?” I’d be asked.

“He feels the same way,” I said, more than once. It was so simple.  But only to us, it seemed.  Even out of union, I loved our Union, our agreement to be simple, our agreement to be immune to potential dramas, our agreement to create our own unique itinerary on our journey.

We exited in the same high level of consciousness at which we entered: present, engaged, listening to our hearts, listening from our hearts.  It was lovely, and I could only celebrate.  But because our way of celebrating had always been, well, sex, we didn’t actually celebrate.

What an amazing 5-year path of discovery, of learning to be receptive, of opening to the masculine Divine, of letting my Divine Feminine be present with no need to hold back, ask for a guarantee, or claim ownership.

I had learned to experience higher consciousness as embodied by this man, specifically as delivered by his sublime lingam.  I had learned to let that energy travel through my spine, like a pole of light that exposes anything that isn’t Love.  I had learned to revel unfettered in my own Divine Feminine, in Shakti, the energy of creation, to ride with it for hours that felt like moments and moments that felt like hours.  I had learned to expose it all, without feeling exposed.  I had learned to love someone no matter what.  I had learned that monogamy is simply placing all my eggs in one basket, but that it’s important to be selective about the basket.

Quite a journey.  At its completion, we were both sated, filled, changed.

So yes.  The breakup was conscious. Tantric.  “What if we take all of our sexual energy, our lower chakra connections, and bring it up into our hearts,” he suggested.

“And what if we take all of our shared consciousness, the psychic moments where we know what each other is doing, and bring that down into our hearts.  So going forward, we feel like dear friends and not exes,” I said.

“Perfect,” he said.  We were so aligned.

We sat there on the phone together and did it, brought the energy into our hearts.  I felt nothing but love for him.  So much love that I was tempted to not break up.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too.”

Our Divine journey was finished. I was grateful that we had seen it coming—we had seen it coming because of the clarity we embodied.  We had seen it coming, so our journey could exist forever in its pristine state: we had never had a fight, rarely a disagreement, there was no blame to assign, there was nothing either of us had “done.” We were just done.

We were happily, beautifully, complete. And yes, there was a part of me that wanted to get naked with him, right then, to celebrate—and I think that pretty much sums up why Tantra is the perfect spiritual path for me.

In retrospect, beyond our Divine journey, what I have to celebrate is this: you too can do it a whole new way. You can love and be loved, without having it have to be about anything but love. You can come together consciously and exit consciously—or not exit at all, and just stay conscious. You can call in the partner of your dreams, and they can be better than you’ve ever dreamed. You can live in Love. You can choose the most blissful spiritual growth path imaginable—sex!, and Let Love Rule. We do not need to live within an old paradigm that was designed by people who were not as enlightened as we now are. We can design a unique New Paradigm that feeds and sustains our bodies, minds, and spirits. Now is the time.

 

Pura Vida

A soft rain falls just an arm’s reach from my breakfast coffee amidst the jungle foliage surrounding the open air dining. I reflect on every gorgeous moment of our immersion into the essence of Nature known in Costa Rica as “Pura Vida.” I feel this healthy wholesomeness seep into my cells breath by breath in one of the world’s few “Blue Zones,” where people naturally live longer lives. Where my soon-to-be new home in Panama City oozes Salsa, sexy, and sublime… my neighbor to the northwest is famous for the Pure Life.

Coming Home 

It’s been five years since I’ve been involved in facilitating a weeklong retreat, and I feel like I’ve come HOME. I believe that every one of the 21 women who attended our first tropical Sacred Feminine Mystery School Retreat is abundantly delighted, surprised, and satisfied. They went home with way more than they expected. We loved Blue Spirit Retreat Center so much that we booked it for next year, November 24-December 1!

Revelation

The testimonials offered by the women who attended (now featured on our Maui retreat page) confirm the truth of how essential this kind of connection is to their lives. For me, it reconfirmed how important this gathering of the feminine is to the core values of the larger Feminine collective. I daresay it was even a revelation.

It was also a big revelation for Amrita Grace, my beloved co-founder and co-facilitator as well as my designated lineage holder and business manager. Like a bolt of lightning, she got potently recharged with her mission to bring this precious, unique body of work to the world in a coherent, cohesive way. (More about that soon)

Practical Expansion

Even the loftiest and most expansive ideas need the practical and organizational skills of a linear mind to ground them into the earth plane and translate them into understandable terms. This is why Amrita and I are such a stellar team! Where I am weak, she is strong. Where I have thirty years of education and experience in achieving bliss through the FUNdamentals of pleasure and play, Amrita puts these fundamentals into a cohesive set of teachings that allows the brain to engage (and then let go) in order to surrender into the Practice of AH (Awakening & Healing). From beginning to advanced practice, from sexual healing practice to sexual awakening practice, we proceed without agenda for the purpose of a sacred and divine blessing to this essence of feminine energy.

Mystery School Mysteries

So what really happened here during our first offering of the Sacred Feminine Mystery School week-long retreat, attended by women from all over the world? Together, as a circle, we created a container so sacred, so powerful, and so filled with integrity, that we were able to go on a well-supported journey into the depths of who we are as feminine beings. We surrendered into the tenderness of the sisterhood while we let go of the burdens of shame, resistance, anger, mistrust, and pain that we’ve carried for lifetimes, handed down through the generations of our foremothers, making space for the sweetness of bliss and pleasure that is our birthright.

Retire? Ha ha, the joke’s on me!

As the Founder of Divine Feminine Awakening and co-founder, with Amrita, of the Sacred Feminine Mystery School, I can now see where my “retirement” ideas are leading… into a new decade of work with Amrita as we weave a curriculum for our Mystery School that’s built on a foundation of the AH Practice and grounded in a new paradigm of feminine principles.

Additional delights

Shamanic Breathwork, offered by Amrita, now has a solid place in the curriculum. Living Blueprint Astrology is also woven in and is essential to the process. This feminine-centered body of work is offered by Lauren Jubelirer, a divinely informed Astrologer and Acupuncturist. Morning Yoga begins each day with a delight for our bodies, offered in such a grace-filled way for every level of participant by Rachel Fiske. Believe me, if Rachel could entice me onto the mat at 7:00 each morning and send me off the mat loving my body, mind, and spirit in preparation for the day, she has a true gift. I have attended and left many yoga classes over the years simply because the teachers do not offer the gentle approach I believe hatha yoga to be.

The Sacred Masculine

I will end this missive in praise of and appreciation to Apollo Grace, Amrita’s beloved husband, who offered AH sessions to the women as an optional service during the week. Their responses, one and all, were filled with gratitude for the Sacred Masculine presence Apollo offers just by being his sincere and loving self. This Feminine Mystery School knows the value of healthy masculine balance, and we proudly offer it where we can find it.

More, please!

We turn our attention now to our next retreat on Maui, April 21-28, 2018. Several of the women who came to Costa Rica signed up for Maui as the retreat week came to an end, knowing how important this work is and feeling the desire to experience more of it as they awaken long-asleep parts of themselves and open their arms to greet a brand new era of Awakening and Healing on the planet.

Home is where my heart is, and it’s good to be HOME!

In deepest joy, Caroline

P.S. We’ve added two new dates for Sacred Feminine Conversations, December 9th and January 6th. It’s a free global telecall with the sacred feminine sisterhood, hosted by me and Amrita. International phone numbers are available. More info here.

In August of 1985, I rented my first home on the island of Maui. As we drove down a bumpy dirt road toward the stunning blue Pacific, I was struck by a sign that said Door of Faith Church. Energy tingled through my entire body as I realized I was opening that door, the door of faith, on this magical island thousands of miles from the US mainland.

Just last week I received the final payment from the sale of the beautiful ocean-view temple home and property I developed and built in 1987 on Door of Faith Road. It has been ten years since I said Aloha to my precious home with its 50 coconut palms on three acres. I truly gave birth to a vision of living on a luscious tropical island in paradise.

I taught many, many workshops at Hale Akua Garden Farm Retreat Center near my home on Door of Faith Road… the last one over a decade ago. I’m ready for completion and closure with the Door of Faith, so I am returning to Hale Akua one last time to bring it all full circle with a women’s sexual awakening and healing retreat next April. This will be my final scheduled workshop as I’ll be moving to Central America shortly after this retreat.

Hale Akua means House of the Divine. It’s no mistake that so many lives have been transformed here, where the tropical trade winds blow away that which no longer serves you and the energies of Mama Maui infuse you with love, joy, beauty, pleasure, and truth. It’s the ultimate blessing, to live for a week in the perfection of nature… warm, moist, and nurturing to the very core of your soul. In this place, I have witnessed more miracles than I can recount.

To this day, I still hear from students who participated in one of the many weeklong retreats I had the privilege of teaching at Hale Akua. Were you one of them? I would love to hear about your Hale Akua experience in the comments below.

Aloha… it means hello, goodbye, and I love you.

Aloha, Caroline

PS. Please, my darling… please do not let this opportunity pass you by. It may very well be the last time I travel back to Maui to sit in sadhana with you and share my wisdom. There’s a super early-bird rate available through the end of October.

 

I recently encountered The School of Remembering, a Mystery School. It was created by Drunvalo Melchizedek, a man who has spent a life rich in spiritual practice and mystical understanding. His teachings, workshops, and products are new to me, which is exactly why I wish to share them with you. We are, after all, a tribe devoted to higher consciousness.

I love learning about amazing new technologies that can blast open my energy field either for real or because it sounds like they can! Does that ever happen to you? With so much input from people and the internet, I am constantly amazed at how much I don’t know. I often feel like a big giant sea sponge, absorbing in order to plump myself into an orb of intelligence and balanced energy.

The voluptuous goddess I see for my Reflexology sessions turned me on to this body of work. I admit to a certain limitation in terms of molecular technology and my relationship to my own molecules… but I’m open. I want to understand the complex energy that makes up who I am – or at least who I think I am – beyond my obvious definition. Queen and Tantra Goddess only captures so much of me… in fact, only a crown’s worth!

Women, especially at this time in Herstory, are midwives of massive downloads of data. We don’t (well, I don’t) need double blind studies to make me a believer… I love to be Amazed!! I love Union… I love the experience of what I don’t fully understand. If this lovely and very believable man can up my vibration for every activity during the course of my day, I receive with an open heart.

Ok, this may sound woo woo to you. I kinda rock my head from side to side questioning “quantum infused products” myself – in this case, Flower of Sunlight oil – yet something inside of me says why not? The dictionary defines quantum as “the smallest amount of many forms of energy (such as light).” I am not an affiliate… I make nothing if you order it, but I wanted to give you a first-hand report. I will continue to research. I bet my orgasms are bigger than ever with such “enhancement”!

Cellular communication refers to the way in which our cells ‘talk’ to one another, thereby restoring vital energy and enhancing performance while helping to maintain proper energetic balance. I opened the package of my Flower of Sunlight oil, enthusiastically applying it to my wrists and under my nose. My review for today… my energy was off the charts! We shall see.

I sometimes wonder, in left-brain inquiry, if I am being duped… drawn into a mystical possibility that the wearing of a pendant or the use of an essential oil will transform my reality. My mid-western upbringing taught me to question everything before the ‘60’s taught me to primarily question authority. Yet faith and belief are also a strong component of my spirituality and spiritual path. If it feels right, I believe!

How do you know if something is worthy of your faith and belief?

In human and mystical domains, Caroline

My thoughts, as I rose the day before the Solar Eclipse of 2017, were filled with images of opening to Divine Light and releasing our (yours and mine) rage and grief that we’ve carried as women for too long. I chose to consciously release into Mother Earth in order to compost what I have taken in from women during the 30 years I have been involved with the Awakening Feminine. And into me, your Queen, I invited the transmissions from Yoniversal/Universal Love.

Tantra Yoga evolved for me into the Divine Feminine and Her inevitable awakening on this plane. I actively seek alignment with the rewiring that is always at work within my heart and soul.

An eclipse is a reflection of what is possible and how we are being asked to participate. To be a Queen who takes her throne on the seat of the Heart of Love is a lofty ideal. The Bodhisattva teachings bring heaven to earth. Not a bad assignment for a girl from the prairies of Kansas now residing in the land of She… Wild and Free!

I love this piece from Mystic Mamma:

TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE | NEW MOON in LEO rises as the Queen within takes her throne on the seat of the Heart of Love. 

Divine Feminine energy comes through the veil to awaken humanity to its true power in love.

A new way is calling as the outmoded, short-sighted, repressive ways of the Patriarchy are no longer tolerable or permissible. We the people awaken and new leaders step forth.

Together, we rise in consciousness for an inclusive humanity. Together, we cast away the illusion of separatism and step forth to heal the divides within ourselves, our partnerships, and our communities.

Each of us has the power to shift and realign with the heart as we let go, forgive, ask for forgiveness, and move through our collective grief to our seat of personal power within the heart of love

And so, my earthly and astrological friend, I ask you to receive your download at this time as it relates to your own very personal divine assignment. Receiving a download feels much like being struck by lightning, but in a positive way, not a way that would fry you to bits! It is a Birth process into a new form of leadership led entirely by the Heart of Love.

I wish to give thanks to Lauren Jubelier and Amrita Grace for this Gift of insight. The Shamanic path, whether it be Healing, Breathwork, or Astrology, is not for the faint of heart, but for the warriors and leaders of the coming Age of Truth.

Are you In? Tell me how the Great American Solar Eclipse affected you in the comments below!

Love, Your Queen of Hearts during a period of Cosmic Initiation

How Free Are You?

 

I recently returned from FreedomFest – The Worlds Largest Gathering of Free Minds 10th  anniversary conference in Las Vegas, Nevada. Several thousand out-of-the-box thinkers and women who make history gather each year to share ideas, concepts, and observations about the state of our freedoms on many levels… political and financial to life extension and our health care and many more. The prevailing parties were Libertarian and Independent.

I could not have imagined that I would be so stimulated by such an intellectually brilliant gathering, while back in my Tantra days, love and connection were the leading components of any event. Not only were the lectures, talks, and debates fascinating at from a classroom point of view, but the conversations that take place extemporaneously during the social time during coffee breaks and book signings could surprise even the jaded old hands of former think tanks!

We explored new frontiers such as a New America, Is Big Brother Here?, Crisis Ahead, and Free Enterprise, just to name a few. For ten years this conference has been produced by Mark and Jo Ann Skousen, a couple of 45 years who has collaborated on over 25 books, raised five children, and lived on both Coasts including Washington, DC, the Bahamas, Florida, New York and California. Two of their children helped produce this event and I admit I felt as though I had landed with a large family I didn’t yet know but was very welcome to belong to.

As for spending 4 days in Las Vegas, I can honestly say that the place itself and the people who populate this Gambling Hall (hell) of Heaven is the Best Show in Town. I filled up on exquisite food at every meal, cultivated a mind-expanding view of people choosing unnatural air, enjoyed the chaos of Times Square in what is referred to as Disneyland for Adults, and all at a high cost of hard-earned money. I, who chooses trade winds that blow across the oceans and the scent of a forest, easily over-rode the smoke-filled air of the Casinos in order to not miss a thing.

With the prevailing statements from highly educated movers and shakers filling the air with thought-forms such as Laissez Faire Free Market Anarchy and Finding Freedom in an Unfree World, I am reminded of the book that changed my personal thinking and shaped my world at the age of 14, Ayn Rand’s novel Atlas Shrugged. I am happy to say that Ayn’s philosophy and dedication to her work lives on in the minds and hearts of millions. We have rebirthed her ideas into our own ideals in order to play a role in defining America and a United State(s) of unconditional freedom based on the early Founding Fathers and Mothers (well, the Mothers came later, and that’s where I come in.) The wonderful quote by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, “Well-behaved women seldom make history,” leads me to share with you a few of the women making history at the Conference:

Lyn Ulbricht, who is leading her son’s arduous fight against injustice and an unprecedented 2-lifetimes sentence.

Courtney Balaker, writer and director of The Little Pink House, the story of a woman’s legal fight to save her home that led all the way to the Supreme Court.

Sometimes referred to as the Mother of the Modern Tantra Movement in America, I define myself as a Pioneer of radical individualism in my particular area of sexual education and consciousness via The Art of Conscious Loving and the Divine Feminine (who She is and how She is evolving). It is with great pride that I place myself beside women in history such as Mary Magdalene, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Helen Keller, Oprah Winfrey, Amelia Earhart, Ayn Rand, and the many, many courageous women who have left us with important life-changing and transformational Truths. The Goddess comes in many forms and she leads on many fronts. If I think too highly of myself by choosing co-conspirators as listed above, I suppose time will tell. I think there is room in the Time Capsule for all of us!

How do you define yourself among the women of history (or herstory)?

Big love, Caroline

The process of designing and creating a new website with my team inspired me to have a new photo shoot as outlined in my last blog post. That led me to thinking about my professional presentation and all the ways in which I take great care of myself.

I did a double-take when, as if reading my mind, my beloved sweetheart innocently asked the inquiring question: “How many technicians does it take to Service a Queen?” Why, I had never counted!

I pondered this at length. “Service a Queen” became, in my own words, “maintain this divinely feminine woman,” so I began working on my list. No doubt some have faded into obscurity but this is pretty close to what fills my appointment book each month and year along with Private Immersions, teaching Interviews, seminars and workshops, travel, and of course, a wonderful relationship.

These are my precious, non-negotiable “services”!

Virtual Assistant/Business Manager

Hair (monthly)

Nails (bi-monthly)

Massage (monthly)

Reflexology (monthly)

Internist (quarterly)

Dermatology (semi-annually)

Dentist (semi-annually)

Esthetician – a person who is knowledgeable about the nature and appreciation of beauty, especially in art (monthly)

Trainer/Gym & walks outdoors (3x per week)

Chiropractor (monthly)

Cranial/Sacral Therapist (monthly)

I do have a great attitude that I want do pass on to you and to my students that I embody myself… Yep!

Embody Your Ecstasy! Embody your Tantra Goddess!

I once thought it was the wealthy and retired who have time for all of these “services,” but I find myself falling into the category of non-retired with a business in which I report profits and losses to the IRS… like you I imagine? And I live within the same allotment of hours per day and week as you… I imagine? And I love and need my beauty sleep… like you, I imagine?

This is in addition to my quiet down time doing yoga, self-pleasuring, the preparation of meals, and meaningful conversation with my partner/sweetheart. Or a regenerative nap, often laying on a massage table on my BioMat, above it all in my healing sanctuary at home.

How might I make time to write another book? I am feeling the need and desire to record forevermore the stories and the experiences I have in the private sessions that involve Sexual Awakening and Healing and Tantra for Women. I’m educating people who are aware that life could be more meaningful if they knew more about their sexuality and patterns of intimacy or the fear or lack of it. I rejoice in transformation, but I cannot tell ALL of the stories here in these Blogs… and, of course, I would never mention names as I have great respect for everyone’s privacy.

I publicly admit that another book is on my horizon… something like “Remarkable Women I have Known and Loved.” It will be an easy read containing stories I have heard and transformations I have witnessed. What drove me to write Tantra Goddess, A Memoir of Sexual Awakening, was the driving passion to remember my life before I forgot too much of it. Now I want you to know about these lives I have touched and the courage of women of every age to take on their Awakening into their Birthright of Pleasure.

If you are curious to know more, there are numerous free resources on my brand new website.

I would like to know, in the comments below: How do you embody your Tantra God or Goddess?

Into the Mystery, Caroline

Six months of planning! Growing out my hair, longer than it’s been in 25 years. Finding a local photographer for a photo shoot so I would have new pictures to show you on Facebook and on my website. Choosing the perfect days… the perfect weather… for perfect outdoor pictures…. The perfect yet vulnerable divinely feminine me!

I say vulnerable as I mused How many more times will I do photo shoots in this career and lifetime? Can they photoshop some of the sun damage on my arms and legs? Oh yeah, just wear long sleeves even if it is 100 degrees in the sun (duh). Self-doubt is common, I know, whether young and lacking in confidence or aging and not wanting certain things to show up in the photos! I caught myself in every trap that I help women avoid – always aware of walking my talk.

The alarm on my iPhone softly beams me up at 5:00 a.m. with the hair dryer shaping my long tresses… while I carefully apply a natural look in the oval mirror as dawn creeps in the window behind my dressing table offering warm morning light. Oh, the taste of my Maui coffee while I watch my sweetheart purr softly under the light covers in the pink dawn. I feel like a leading lady on the set getting ready for the director and cameraman to arrive…. all eyes on me, Queen for a Day!

I dress and grab a few extra tops for the morning shoot, following the photographer in my car as his truck winds up through the Sierras on its way to a meadow in Hope Valley (how appropriate the name) where we will carry and schlep everything to a variety of yummy spots near rushing streams of fresh snow melt. He has multiple pieces of equipment hanging from his strong shoulders while I gracefully pack in my beauty bag filled with the accouterments of the feminine plus water and snacks.

The now-hot sun lights up my inner glow. The nascent green grasses blow softly in the high mountain air. By now I couldn’t care less how my hair looks or what I’m wearing… I just know I am in God’s country where the Goddess feeds my soul. Camera… where? Pose… how? I just want to cry it’s so beautiful, and after many blinks of tearing eyes, the morning progresses with click after click of the camera and the Goddess dancing together in the high mountain meadow.

It took me about 3 days to come down from that leading role! Remembering that my teaching and my healing work are the nuts and bolts of my career, I can now step up to embrace the many testimonials of me and my work… the very core of my assignment as the founder of Divine Feminine Awakening for women and couples who are drawn to deeper love and pleasure.

An aside: I made sure I was photographed without a smile, compassionately listening to his girlfriend tell me her childhood story of violation and abuse, as that is my true nature. I listen to you with the same heart full of caring because I know your story is your doorway to freedom.

See you soon… let’s talk,

Big Love, Caroline

Sweet Summertime Immersion Special
for Women and Couples

Take your relationship (or your divinely feminine self) to the next level – 3 days with me in a private immersion!

$500 off when you book by July 15th and schedule in 2017. Please fill out a Discovery Session Application and we will discuss investment and other details by phone or Skype.

 

I had the honor of spending 90 minutes recently being interviewed by Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Conscious Uncoupling, for one of her private classes. It sparked powerful memories and fifty-odd years of relationship, love, separation. and divorce.

While many are doing the sacred work of “uncoupling,” I have lived that sacred work with Charles successfully since 1997. Best Beloved Friends is a worthy choice during and after ending what we believed was a “forever” marriage.

Now I share with you the picture that was taken of my first kiss with Will, fifteen years ago at Maui airport saying good-bye and Aloha to the only man who claimed my attention after my separation and ultimate divorce with the Beloved Charles, four years prior.

I pasted this little saying to the photo many moons ago and it’s still there, proudly the centerpiece of one of many altars in our home.

In speaking with Katherine I authentically praised her very successful and best-selling book, Calling In The One. I ponder about “the One,” having felt each time that I was marrying the One. Each moment with the One is each moment with whomever I am with, if that makes any sense to you. That, to me, is full Connection or showing up in full presence with each invitation to become “one.”

In my wisdom years, I now acknowledge there are more “the Ones” than we can ever imagine. Yet aching and yearning for the One is a function inside each of us that drives our psyche and our sexuality forward. In my thirty years of guiding and participating in Tantric Pujas (a moving mandala of loving presence with each person), I developed the skill of bringing one hundred percent of me into presence with a new individual each moment and in every breath. The tall, the short, or the not so attractive are each The One for those few precious moments in time.

This practice has taught me how huge love really is! And as the little sign in the picture says, staying in love is where real love resides. Living the love that I am is not always easy. I get irritable… I get impatient… I move at a different speed of light than my dearest One… I am annoyed when hard of hearing seems to be his choice, rather than his problem.

But real love, not pretend love, is the outcome of this awareness. This is the staying in love, deepening into love, and growing into the love that happens when a couple ages together over the long term of relationship. I would love to hear about YOUR experience of the work and the commitment it takes to continue deepening into the warm river of unconditional love …

To The One, Caroline

Becoming Ageless

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(Republished from December 2015)

Agelessness

Love and sex go together like birds of a feather… but when it comes to mid-life, us ageless women may have a bit of healing and awakening to do in order to reclaim the fullness of our passion.

Libido

For me, it seems that what I used to know as libido is no longer localized to the libido-center, but has seeped into all of me. Beware of falling into the belief that passion is only for the young, or younger! Passion lives in our whole being, as witnessed by the authors, artists, and spirited women who are living fully in their boundless creativity.

Sexual Energy

 Sexual energy is at the very core of our existence. It doesn’t die or lay fallow or even rise of its own accord… it must be cultivated by each one of us as a resource of creative energy gifted to us by God/ess Herself. Why else would so many post-menopausal women continue to birth projects, paintings, and proactive expressions of passion after their child-bearing years are past? Mid-life is just the beginning… the beginning of every woman’s fulfillment in ways she cannot imagine until that epiphany moment when she enters her next incarnation as a truly Spirited force.

Health Benefits

Life extension doctors and Ph.D.’s are in recognition and agreement about the health benefits of our sexual life force as a resource for longevity and vitality. Let’s not forget the sense of well-being inherent in knowing we are still able and capable of orgasmic pleasure long after libido wanes. I was privileged to participate on a panel once at the Science and Non-Duality Conference. It was there that I gleaned how ready neuroscience is to embrace sexual energy as a tonic for brain receptors and the release of nitric oxide in understanding what it is that makes us feel good. Nitric Oxide is the substance or molecule released by lightening during a thunderstorm and was the Molecule of the Year in 1992 (in case you were wondering!).

Life Force

So how do science and passion collide? Very little research is done on Female Sexual Response. We cannot overlook the gift of our sexual life force and how it can be brought to bear on many aspects of our daily life. The Practice of AH, the core teaching of Divine Feminine Awakening, is the single most valuable practice people can learn to incorporate into their intimate experiences. Loving, intentional touch and massage awakens the flow of molecules that keep our life force flowing well into mid-life and beyond.

How do you keep yourself ageless? Please share in the comments below.

Big Love, Caroline