Whether it’s tantric sex, male-female sex, same-gender sex, porn sex, slow sex, sacred sex, or wild and crazy sex, when you boil it down to the bare facts, sex is still sex. A slow smile often creeps up on the face of someone reminded to think about sex. The word alone conjures very different images for different people. But it usually includes images of naked bodies doing things with one another that either includes or features their respective genitalia. But what about sex and monogamy?

The mention of oral sex also carries a lot of lively interest for many. I believe most men love receiving oral sex and enjoy it as a primary offering during sex. I have also known men who do not desire oral sex over intercourse. This may be a relief for some women as the size of a lingam is not always a perfect fit with the size of a woman’s mouth. (My dentist told me once that my mouth is small.)

Women also love receiving oral sex, but the act often makes women uneasy, with expectations that they should orgasm faster than is natural for them in order to please the giver for their efforts to pleasure her. And it can be difficult to explain exactly what works. We also can be overly concerned with how we taste or our scent, impacting our ability to simply be able to relax into receptivity.

Oral pleasure may become an issue for couples, especially as they age. Women often have a lot of issues around accepting their bodies as they grow older, and men find the positions for oral pleasuring uncomfortable (or so they tell me). I am interested in the opinions of young people about oral sex, as I was once told that they don’t consider oral sex as falling into the category of “sex,” but merely a safe sideline before the final act of “hooking up.” This sounds pretty lame in my opinion, but I doubt the vocabulary when I was a teenager was much better. We were told to have NO Sex Until Marriage, which was supposed to solve everything.

Let me tell you… it did not solve anything! If only I could have experienced oral pleasure as “okay” before marriage, I would have had a much more successful wedding night! Virginity was still a sacred gift for the husband of choice back in 1961.

I am currently inside of the discussion about whether it is acceptable for a woman to invite oral pleasure from someone who is not her partner in a committed relationship. If it’s not sex, then what is it? Does this fall into the category of adultery? Or a break in the vow of monogamy? Do our genitals automatically belong to our primary significant other? Who writes the rules other than ourselves?

I imagine that “confidence” is also in the mix for a man choosing not to pleasure a woman with his mouth. Of course, the woman must gently guide her lover into the intricacies of the oral arts, which is not always easy to do. Every woman is different at different times of the day, night, or month… yet the universal song I hear from women about men is “slow down”!

I do believe that a man has the inalienable right to refuse service! Just as women have the inalienable right to refuse (do they still call them “blow jobs”?) I think so! Yet the Tantric language for the oral arts is so elegant and respect-filled. “Honoring” the yoni or the lingam, which in no way requires a happy ending, though many desire just that.

And so my question looms for women who are in committed or monogamous relationships. Is it wrong to expect or request the “freedom” to receive the gift of oral pleasure from another, especially from another woman where intercourse will not follow? Do we need permission? Are our bodies sacrosanct unto ourselves, or does every inch of tissue belong to the beloved?

Please feel free to offer your opinions, unsigned if desired, and we will gather the data. It brings me to the following questions:

A) What is monogamy to you?
B) Are you creating your own version of monogamy in your relationship?

Thank you for participating in my inquiry,

In curious erotic intelligence, Caroline

Desire… passion… lust… ardor… love. These are compelling emotions. When they rise in me, like a wave upon the sea, I must hang onto something if I am to maintain any form of balance. This wave sweeps me into a cauldron of turbulence long before I land into anything formally familiar, such as peaceful serenity.

Quite honestly, desire is like a compulsive urge that takes over my otherwise clear focus. Gone is reason, sensibility, or the certainty that I know what my life actually looks like, for in the cauldron of desire I am rendered somewhat helpless.

And, I must admit, I love this visitation from Cupid’s arrows into the clear waters of contentment. I also fear this visitation, as I feel the rush of activated aliveness turning into intoxicated bliss. Suddenly every thought-form is now complex with the presence of an intensity to love – in this case – another.

Admitting to “I am in love” is akin to admitting I have gone crazy with desire. Now each breath contains the scent of the focus of this passion. His or Her skin is the only skin I ever want to feel again. His or Her scent is 100 Proof over-the-top sexual desire bubbling up from my genitals as it consumes everything in its wake within my formally familiar form. My legs shiver and my knees quake as my heart recognizes that I am in the grasp of this thing called Love.  All songs throughout my life that contain a recognition of this sword of Truth begin playing in my mind. I simply cannot return to a time before this visitation occurred. I am speechless, helpless, and hopelessly adrift.

I hope and pray it is simply temporary insanity!

Love and compassion for myself is my Rx for living a Life that is truly rewarding.  Happiness is a choice, often fostered by great friendships that spark a special aspect of my aliveness. Dare I say “yes”?  Dare you say yes?

With Amrita taking on the Sacred Feminine Mystery School Trainings, I actually have more time for Love. As this is my true path, I am eternally grateful… grateful for the opportunity to feel the depth of the love that I am.

My only solution for how big Love is, especially when Love goes beyond the One, is to hold the reality of loving others as the great Puja of Life. In the moment…  that looks like Love the One You’re With. In the next station of the Puja… Love the One You’re With… and on and on into the circle of Life.

Care to join me?

One hundred percent here with my Desire and my Love, Caroline

Erotic Intelligence

I am in love with the word erotic and the phrase erotic intelligence. The word “erotic” conjures up a definition of my own personal brand of sex or sexual fantasy. It must contain the erotic — which might be described as soft reminders of sexual possibilities — so that my imagination has a chance to get into the game. It is said that good sex begins in the brain, and I admit that this is definitely true for me.

Let’s consider the Erotic, that stream of energy that weaves into and through nearly everything we do and everything we are. Wanting to find more support for my ideas on that great web of information at my gaily painted fingertips, I find…

… that my computer won’t take me to anything under the simple word erotic! Merriam Webster does offer a category called related words, however, words such as:

Racy, Lustful, Obscene, Sensuous, Bawdy, Titillating, Lascivious, Dirty, Lewd, Indecent, Pornographic, Smutty, Vulgar

Luckily, I found something more poetic and insightful on the meaning of erotic!

The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honor and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves. Audre’ Lorde’s “The Erotic as Power.”

I like to define the erotic as “the prana (or essence) of Shakti.” Erotic intelligence brings a certain intentionality to it, wouldn’t you say?

I remember a time when a lover commanded playfully yet seriously… “Surprise me! Seduce me!” As I headed for some sexy lingerie to wear, many images called to me but none of them felt like “me.” I knew that what to me was seductive would not be nearly “sexy” enough for him. I froze right then and there, stiff and immobilized in my sexy lingerie because I could not authentically “act seductive.”

I didn’t feel it for him but even more importantly, I didn’t feel it inside of me. It wasn’t something I could just turn on… or was it? Confused again by this vast and powerful aspect of my human feminine that I call “sexual” and now “seductive,” I countered with “Since you know what it is you want, why don’t you seduce me?”

What followed was pretty ordinary, so I have set out to understand what is erotic to me. I am the only one I can begin to figure out, though I would hope to be able to figure out my lover, at least sometimes. In-depth talks can reveal many mysteries and secrets within the lover’s soul.

As a woman, I can highly recommend a Sounds True recording by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. called How to Love a Woman. Within the vibration of her voice and words, I learned more about own erotic intelligence than I have ever learned in bed with a man… or woman, for that matter.

The erotic life requires an investment of time committed to living fully. The world of Eros is the world of true relationship. I was taught that I must be fully alive (something I strive for anyway) and that I must be fully present. These are the stepping stones of my Tantric life and teachings. Mindful awareness in each moment is required in order to walk the thin line of courage to love and express that love fully.

What does erotic mean to you?

When you’ve spent decades of your adult life refining and teaching a leading-edge transformational body of work like I have, you want to have someone you trust to take it forward… a Lineage Carrier or Legacy Holder.

I’ve spent so much time living my life with very little actual “view from the top” of what I was creating, living, learning, or knowing. And so often the Visionary is not the perfect person to manifest their own Vision. Who will carry forward my Legacy?

I was very blessed in the year 2005 to have Amrita Grace come to the Divine Feminine Institute as an eager and dedicated student and offer to work for us. “We really don’t have a salary to pay anyone, yet, Amrita, but you are welcome to come to Maui, live in my home for a few months, and together we will brainstorm how to weave you into the work of the Institute.”

She came to our very first Divine Feminine Certification training. She moved to Maui to be part of the Institute. She took every training we offered and consistently stood at the head of the class. In fact, she and I were the only two people who were part of all 16 of Divine Feminine Institute’s trainings. We were the continuity from beginning to end. By the time the Institute closed in 2012, she was at the helm as director, guiding it to gracefully complete its natural cycle.

She became our first Certified Spiritual Sexual Educator, and she never stopped coming forward to extend her offerings to help my work unfold (though she took most of a year off to recover from breast cancer). Amrita has worked for me for pennies, nickels, and a few dollars over many years until I could actually pay her a salary to be my virtual assistant in 2013.

Amrita has literally taught ME what my work actually is! She’s shown me that the AH practice is a unique and precious body of work that MUST not be lost. And she is the force who is now bringing this education to the forefront of your awareness, just as the world seems to be finally, truly ready for it.

Now, this is no small feat. And this is why I know in my deepest knowing that Amrita will carry my Baby forward and “raise” it into a successful and functioning Adult. Because much like raising a child, it was hit and miss so many times.

I offer you this Mission Statement so that you will understand what a lineage holder is and what she is capable of doing for you.

MISSION STATEMENT     

I trust Amrita Grace as the one who understands my work even better than I do.

I charge Amrita Grace with taking Sacred Sexual Awakening and Healing® (the Practice of AH) forward and putting it into as many hands as possible.

I release my understanding of my work into the greater whole of feminine understanding.

I honor my teachers who fanned the flames of my creativity so that my work could unfold from the embers of my Solar Fire.

To trust another at the level of Lineage Holder or Legacy Carrier is to fully let go of my personal ego as the creator of the Practice of AH. From the birth father of the work of sexual healing to the birth mother of the work of sexual Awakening and Healing, I now wish for the sacred feminine in all beings to add their piece of intelligence into the growth of the Practice of AH. Learn it, expand on it, teach it, and let it grow.

I want you to know why I have chosen Amrita to carry my Legacy, which is why I was inspired to write this blog. When you go to The Sacred Feminine Mystery School website and read the words she has written in her blog and on the Certified Spiritual Sexual Educator page, as well as the pages of her book, Reclaiming Aphrodite-The Journey to Sexual Wholeness, you will have only just begun to know this woman’s brilliance. Her true brilliance is in the powerful space she holds for transformation; her own and others’.

My Personal Spiritual Quest in this life feels complete as I have understood the assignment to give back in gratitude for all I have been given. I share with you my relief in knowing that my Divine Child is in such good hands.

Amrita and I are collaborating on the next octave of the Certified Spiritual Sexual Educator® Teacher Training which will begin in July 2018. It’s an accelerated (6 month) and much less costly version of the 2-year training program Amrita took to become certified. Because we know we are serving a new generation of women who already have many tools and skills and are ready to add the leading-edge of personal growth – Sacred Sexual Awakening and Healing-AH® – to their offerings. Are you one of them?

As My Hibernation Begins

Holiday Greetings to you my Friend,

My December is inviting me, in a very strong voice, to take very good care of myself between now and Spring, when I will fly off to the island of Maui to say aloha to some of you arriving for the Sacred Feminine Mystery School Retreat, and to say farewell to the wonderful life I lived for twenty years on the Pearl of the Pacific, the island of Maui.

Answering the Call of the Wild screaming out from my soul, I called to set up an appointment for therapy with a woman highly recommended by my bodywork therapist here in the Carson Valley in northern Nevada. What a great surprise was in store for me. A long and lanky cow-girl of a woman with long silver hair and a radiant face welcomed me into her “tack room” office. (For those of you who don’t know what a tack-room is, it’s where they store the saddles and miscellaneous ‘tack’ used for riding and grooming horses. The lingering scent of horse hair and leather filled the air immediately, before I even noticed the saddles sitting upon their stands. Talk about aromatherapy! I was immediately catapulted back to my childhood, to my grampa’s farm, and to living on a ranch in Colorado with my cowboy “partner,” Rick: Chapter Two “On My Way”, Tantra Goddess)

From the moment we sat down, my tears began to flow. I was ready for open-heart surgery, my term for an emotional unzipping of that which keeps my heart and soul on edge. By “on edge,” I mean a phantom thought form or emotion that causes an edge of anxiety in my otherwise contented and peaceful energy field known as “Caroline.”

I began unexpectedly wailing my regrets for the relationships/marriages I had left and ended throughout many years of my life.  She quickly realized how deeply I was carrying their pain of my departure from the Vows of Marriage… Till Death do us Part… and on and on… I made vows I didn’t know I could never keep. I was younger then, so you can imagine how long I have been carrying the broken or bruised hearts of the men and women I have loved deeply, and whom I truly believed I would remain in Union with for the rest of my life.

In some way, these regrets go way back to my mother, Mary, whom I lost faith in at age eleven, when she left motherhood to become a patient in hospitals for the mentally ill. Reclaiming Mother divine through my work with the Divine Feminine and now the Sacred Feminine, I also hold dear the image of The Blessed Mother, or Holy Mother, also going by the name of “Mary.” Now, it is in the eyes of women I meet that I find sanctuary. Within their own hearts… they offer me solace from any unloved moments I may encounter.

My therapist, Suzy, then suggested I write a letter to each of my four primary relationships/marriages.  The following is how I know I will begin each one of those letters:

Dear One,

I am so sorry for any hurt that I may have caused you during the years of our Union. I never meant to hurt you, but only meant to launch myself forward toward my own Life.

If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I would be eternally grateful. First, however, I must forgive myself. I must return to a place of unconditional Love and Compassion for the woman I know myself to be.

I thank you for your valuable role in helping to form the woman I now am. I couldn’t have come this far without you.

And so, as we move toward the Winter Solstice, I invite you to join me in releasing those regrets that no longer serve you. They weigh you down and stand in the way of your birthright… that of unconditional Love and Compassion for yourself.

Ever Evolving, Caroline

To “consort” as a verb or “consort” as a noun, means “to keep company with or to accompany another.” We have all read of the queen’s consort or the king’s consort. During my active Tantra life, I often experienced the consort as being a lover or constant companion of someone… in some cases, me! A consort does not have to consort in the erotic realms though sometimes they choose to do so. However, this changes everything! It adds a degree of absolute thrill that is fully charged to lead the lovers onward.

I have often had a consort of a Tantric nature as those of you who have read Tantra Goddess know a lot about. The lovers I described in my memoir were often referred to by my husband and beloved as “consorts of the Queen.” Charles gave me the title of “my Queen” way back in our earliest weeks of going beyond teacher/student, once we began consorting as Lovers. “The Queen” and “My Queen” stuck for so long that in the media I became known as the “Queen of Tantra.” It’s a lot to live up to, I assure you. A crown is heavy… it flattens down my hair… so who needs them anyway?

My her-story of consorting in the erotic realms has left a warm glow that, paradoxically, often renders me terrified of it happening again in my life. I always have my antennae tuned to the erotic in others, but rarely does someone hook me into their orbit. Partly, this is due to my private work and the level of integrity I demand of myself in order to work intimately with both women and men. As a sacred sexuality practitioner is trained in the transpersonal to hold an impeccable space for sexual healing, I learned from past mistakes how valuable a commitment this really is.

There were times in my very active Tantric years when I offered sexual healing and awakening to another only to find myself unable to hold to clear boundaries as I found myself in sexual communion with them. For me, sexual communion led to a version of “falling in love,” which confused the matter entirely. This led to a sexual and/or erotic affair, and once that happens, consciousness a sexual healer must hold is lost within the chaos of emotion.

Are you with me so far? What I am trying to say is that sexual energy, desire, and surrender are all fabulous and at the same time… very tricky. This is where becoming extremely familiar with one’s own arousal is invited during a session while the giver holds their arousal energy in check… no matter what. Being in a turned-on state is to feel your aliveness and move within that blessing with grace and integrity. As a healing practitioner, acting on the turned-on energy of the receiver can turn the “healing” into more wounding.

I was guilty of this in my learning years. I forgive myself, but not without a strong agreement to learn from my mistakes; especially when I saw how my lack of boundaries impacted a trusting soul. Passion is a powerful and often confusing delight. How we handle this mountain of power is what distinguishes us between beings of integrity and beings of lust. One is not bad or good, but each serves a different purpose.

In my work as a seasoned practitioner of the high art of sexual awakening and healing, I take my commitment to hold sacred, impeccable space very seriously. Long gone are the days where my boundaries waver, and I’m honored to hold a powerful, safe, and ethical space for anyone who is ready to heal their sexuality and claim their sexual awakening.

Are you ready to claim your sexual healing and awakening? Join us on Maui April 21-28 for The Sacred Feminine Mystery School’s Awakening & Healing Retreat for Women … a $500 off early-bird discount is available through December 31st.

Tantric Breakup

We unwove as consciously as we had woven ourselves together…and that was very, very consciously and slowly, during four days of deep purification and energy work–and energy play–at a Tantra retreat that left no shadows undiscovered. On the last evening. Finally. We kissed. And I realized.

At first glance, he had been too beautiful for me, and therefore, I surmised, gay—so well groomed, such good posture, pen perfectly placed beside his journal. Beautiful men are surely vain. Or gay. That was the easiest way to dismiss this man who stood out in the circle of 40. But he wouldn’t easily be dismissed. For example, one day at lunch I had a passing, silent, fantasy: wouldn’t it be great if this retreat had waiters, who’d take my plate and bring me dessert—and just then the beautiful and surely vain man beside me offered to take my plate and bring me dessert. I was stunned. I let him. Way to make my dreams come true!

The first day of the retreat, during a very boundaried exercise, women had been instructed to ask their partner (whether brought from home or met mere hours ago at the workshop) what level of touch he was comfortable with: on his perineum or inches away.  So I had asked him, my partner of the moment, my beautiful, surely vain, possibly gay, future psychic waiter. Let’s call him Rudy.

“What level of touch would you like?” I asked.

Rudy replied, with zero attachment, “Whatever you’re comfortable with,” and I was struck by his verbal chivalry. It mattered not to him how he was touched; he cared about his partner’s comfort level. There was something about him.

Me being me, by the end of that very clearly instructed, efficiently orchestrated Tantra exercise, I had my hand in his pants. That was not part of the instruction. But I can be spontaneous. I like to break rules. Hand in pants was what I was comfortable with! Here was this gorgeous young specimen spooned in front of me, either gay or not gay, definitely not vain, but cute and fresh with his Aveda scent, and there went my hand. He was irresistible. I was opportunistic. We were enjoying getting acquainted. But I had some well-set boundaries and had lunch with someone else that day.

At the end of the second to last night of the workshop, late, when clothes were a distant memory to all of us, when all the body paint had been used on each other, I noticed that someone in his group had scrawled on his bare abdomen, like graffiti, “Sublime lingam,” with an arrow pointing downward. Couldn’t help but notice. I’d noticed his sublime lingam too, more than once in that 5-day course when we’d been unclothed. It was just plain sweet. I noticed a fleeting bit of envy that someone else had labeled his lingam. To be honest, I am much more taken by women than men. But this man was cracking my foundation…in a good way, gently, thoroughly. The next night, the final night of the workshop, fully clothed, when all of the guided moments of the puja were over, in a moment of play, I surprised him with a full frontal kiss on the mouth. Immediately, I too was surprised: I really, really liked it.

Who knew?

He did. He’d had his third eye on me since long before the retreat, when he had created a vision to meet a woman just like me…and had an intuition to attend this level two Tantra retreat, “knowing” he would meet her there. At a meal, he had overheard me telling a friend that I would love to have a male Tantra partner who was willing to dive deep with me, and not have it be about going to a movie and dinner first. I wanted the sex to come first.  I wanted it to be just about sex. I was not into dating or having a boyfriend.  I wanted to learn to move my sexual energy, unite my Shakti with Shiva, whatever that even would mean in real life.  I could go to movies with my friends. I could go to movies alone. I wanted Divine sexual Union.  In case he’d been wondering whether I was the woman he’d created in his intention or not, this clinched it. Little did I know–I hadn’t even known he’d been listening.

Over the next few days of the retreat we spent plenty of time giggling and partnering and rubbing each other’s feet and on the last night decided that the retreat would not be the end of Us. I arrived home to a poem he had written and emailed me. About Us. We plunged into what became a five and a half year long-distance revelry. Right away, we decided not to call it a ‘relationship,’ which implied effort, compromise, goals, seriousness.

“Let’s call it a journey,” I offered, and we embarked.

Before our first sexual experience, I said, “I want to love you as much as I love you and not have it be about anything. Not about diamond rings or moving or the future. I want it to be about love itself.”

“Perfect,” he said, in his laconic way, with the smile that fed my heart. And I committed to love him as much as I loved him, whatever that meant in any given moment, and if I didn’t feel the love, it would be all about me and zero about him. That was our mutual commitment.

Rudy was so easy to love, and as a bonus, he could make chai from scratch and came equipped with countless compelling stories about traveling in India. I was enchanted. He was funny, excellent in the kitchen, and he gave me plenty of space to be me. Over the years, I loved him no matter what, trained myself to recognize and transform any judgment about him that would seek to keep me out of Love. I learned there was nothing he needed to change about who he was; I just needed to release my own habit of judgment.

Let’s never wish we were anywhere other than Here Now, we decided at the end of our first weekend together. Let’s not want what we don’t have. Let’s channel the love and desire into our own life rather than wishing we were together when we’re apart. And…the biggest: we will handle our own issues, seeing each other as mirror. Period. I commit. Only if we absolutely couldn’t resolve an issue on our own would we bring it to each other’s attention. It was pure bliss. Whether he flew to Chicago or I flew to Miami, it was about sex, reverence, play, indulgence. Not about issues.

“Just so you know, I can’t be monogamous,” I had said that first weekend. “It’s not who I am.”

“Ok,” he said. “Whatever works for you.”

“Actually, I want to be monogamous,” I said, the second weekend, a few weeks later. “With you.”“Ok,” he said. “Me too.”

Immediately, people—friends, clients–began to ask me where our relationship was going, what our plans were. “It’s a journey. No destination,” I’d say, and that didn’t always register. So I would over-explain. “It’s a journey. It’s not about where we aren’t, what we don’t have. I have a partner who looks at me with reverence. He doesn’t want anything from me, except to be a mirror. I don’t want it to be anything other than what it is.”

“But really, when are you going to get married?” they’d ask. People had simply no paradigm for a girl-boy alliance that wasn’t “going” somewhere, leading to something permanent.

We had made an agreement around sex, right away. There was no flirting or messing around, no wondering who would make a move. We made as clear an agreement as we could make. It went like this: “Let’s have sex.” And at any given time, after sex, or after breakfast, or during dinner—often—one of us would say, “Let’s talk about sex.” It was our favorite topic. There was no stone left unturned; neither of us was too shy to say how something felt, what we wanted more of, less of. We both cared about how we could generate more energy to play in, how we could circulate that energy, between, within, around us. It was heavenly.

More than one person—and these were the people who I could actually tell—wondered how on earth we could have sex for four hours a day.  “Well, we split it up.  It’s about two hours in the morning.  Two in the afternoon.” Rarely did we have sex at night, before bed, like everyone else. (That was our time for eating pie.)

But what on earth do you do for two hours, they would wonder aloud. And what makes it tantric? And do you ever just want to have a quickie? And does he ever get to ejaculate?

These are all good questions. We could have sex for four hours a day because we had magnets implanted at the beginning of time, magnets that drew us to each other. I have no better explanation. We were drawn.  e knew there was a higher purpose to it, and the purpose was to move this supercharged energy, to not have sex be about sex, but about personal transformation, then about making the world a better place. Whatever we wanted to clear up, clean up—that’s where we would direct the energy, intuitively and intentionally. He could tell which way the energy was flowing—or not flowing, which was a special gift of his. As we cooked, we blessed our food with the sacred energy we had created; it was a way of reabsorbing it. Sexual energy wasn’t lost in the way that it is during Western sex, because, even if we did eventually have orgasms, it was after transmuting the energy.

I think it worked—we worked–because in addition to loving sex, we both loved to meditate; our sex was a compelling combination of both. Before ever meeting me, he had practiced maintaining an erection, which required a level of discipline; but if he didn’t maintain it, I didn’t fear that it was about me. (And if he did accidentally prematurely ejaculate (which for us meant, well, 45 minutes in) then, of course, it was about me; because he just couldn’t control himself.) I had no reason to ever think I was anything but utterly compelling to him. Because we had no issues—not because we had no issues, but because of our initial commitment to have no issues.

Did we ever want to have a quickie? No. What made it tantric? Being conscious of the energy flow, conscious of knowing each other as Divine. Being conscious of every breath, every moment, while in ecstasy. Sending the energy where we wanted it to go. Did he get to ejaculate? Yes! He knew when it was physically necessary, and his timing was masterful. (And if I may digress, did you know that the ejaculate of a meditator is known to be supercharged with consciousness? Indeed. I have a friend who once requested semen from a monk so she could use it for a facial. It’s a long—and funny—story. Truly one of my coolest, most self-realized friends. So, men who save their semen, tantricly—men who run the sexual energy through their body without ejaculating—as opposed to monks, who we assume don’t run any sexual energy at all—have some very precious nectar.  Sort of a fountain of youth.)  Meanwhile, in addition to experiencing the delights of Rudy’s Shiva energy, we would also explore the secrets of female ejaculate.  The female body is quite the storehouse for emotions. I’d laugh, then cry hysterically. Or cry, then laugh hysterically. Then we’d have to rest.  There was just no TIME for a quickie.

What intrigued me, ultimately, even more than sex with him, was, actually, pujas, blessings, ritual.  Sex goes hand in hand with puja, for me, and at this level of sexual-spiritual, I can barely tell them apart.  Reverence was the main course.  I was just as happy to be fully clothed, blessing him in any way my imagination permitted.  And he was willing to receive what the Goddess, as embodied by his earthly partner, had to offer.  Even though it was all about sex with us, at the same time it was not at all about sex.  At least in the traditional sense.

No one understood.  And that was fine.

We could do it forever.

Until we didn’t.  Until…five plus years in.  It seemed as though we had peaked.  Our journey a macrocosm, in a way, for the act of intercourse itself.

It was time to either set new intentions or separate.

When we broke up, I released so much energy, so much, I could barely identify it all.  It filled my car, where I sat, holding my phone.  It was fear and dread…and I didn’t make up any stories around it. I just felt it. There had been nothing to fear except the fear of breaking up, which had built up in me, and maybe us, over a couple of months.  When he’d answered his phone, I had said, “One of us needs to be the one to call the other one and break up, so, I volunteer.

“Ok,” he said.

Just like when we had come together, when we broke up there was a recurrent question from my posse out in the real world:  “What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” I would reply.  “It was just time.  The energy was no longer supporting our Union.”

“But…what did he do, what happened with you two?  You seemed so in love!”  We were.  So in love.

The first cultural assumption is that a good and viable relationship must be permanent.  The second assumption is that surely something went wrong if it didn’t “last.”  Who made this up?  That true love lasts forever is such a prevalent assumption. What if true love and true union and the beauty of coming together have nothing to do with permanence?  What if they have to do with presence? Until you choose not to be present?

“What happened?” people asked, with deep sympathy. “I am so sorry!” It was difficult to explain why there was nothing to be sorry about, without sounding delusional, in denial, new agey…the expectation of pain was so high, among everyone.  I really did sound like I was in denial. I found myself almost wondering if something were indeed wrong with me…callousness, for example.  Because it didn’t hurt.  It felt great.

“And how is he taking this?” I’d be asked.

“He feels the same way,” I said, more than once. It was so simple.  But only to us, it seemed.  Even out of union, I loved our Union, our agreement to be simple, our agreement to be immune to potential dramas, our agreement to create our own unique itinerary on our journey.

We exited in the same high level of consciousness at which we entered: present, engaged, listening to our hearts, listening from our hearts.  It was lovely, and I could only celebrate.  But because our way of celebrating had always been, well, sex, we didn’t actually celebrate.

What an amazing 5-year path of discovery, of learning to be receptive, of opening to the masculine Divine, of letting my Divine Feminine be present with no need to hold back, ask for a guarantee, or claim ownership.

I had learned to experience higher consciousness as embodied by this man, specifically as delivered by his sublime lingam.  I had learned to let that energy travel through my spine, like a pole of light that exposes anything that isn’t Love.  I had learned to revel unfettered in my own Divine Feminine, in Shakti, the energy of creation, to ride with it for hours that felt like moments and moments that felt like hours.  I had learned to expose it all, without feeling exposed.  I had learned to love someone no matter what.  I had learned that monogamy is simply placing all my eggs in one basket, but that it’s important to be selective about the basket.

Quite a journey.  At its completion, we were both sated, filled, changed.

So yes.  The breakup was conscious. Tantric.  “What if we take all of our sexual energy, our lower chakra connections, and bring it up into our hearts,” he suggested.

“And what if we take all of our shared consciousness, the psychic moments where we know what each other is doing, and bring that down into our hearts.  So going forward, we feel like dear friends and not exes,” I said.

“Perfect,” he said.  We were so aligned.

We sat there on the phone together and did it, brought the energy into our hearts.  I felt nothing but love for him.  So much love that I was tempted to not break up.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too.”

Our Divine journey was finished. I was grateful that we had seen it coming—we had seen it coming because of the clarity we embodied.  We had seen it coming, so our journey could exist forever in its pristine state: we had never had a fight, rarely a disagreement, there was no blame to assign, there was nothing either of us had “done.” We were just done.

We were happily, beautifully, complete. And yes, there was a part of me that wanted to get naked with him, right then, to celebrate—and I think that pretty much sums up why Tantra is the perfect spiritual path for me.

In retrospect, beyond our Divine journey, what I have to celebrate is this: you too can do it a whole new way. You can love and be loved, without having it have to be about anything but love. You can come together consciously and exit consciously—or not exit at all, and just stay conscious. You can call in the partner of your dreams, and they can be better than you’ve ever dreamed. You can live in Love. You can choose the most blissful spiritual growth path imaginable—sex!, and Let Love Rule. We do not need to live within an old paradigm that was designed by people who were not as enlightened as we now are. We can design a unique New Paradigm that feeds and sustains our bodies, minds, and spirits. Now is the time.

 

Pura Vida

A soft rain falls just an arm’s reach from my breakfast coffee amidst the jungle foliage surrounding the open air dining. I reflect on every gorgeous moment of our immersion into the essence of Nature known in Costa Rica as “Pura Vida.” I feel this healthy wholesomeness seep into my cells breath by breath in one of the world’s few “Blue Zones,” where people naturally live longer lives. Where my soon-to-be new home in Panama City oozes Salsa, sexy, and sublime… my neighbor to the northwest is famous for the Pure Life.

Coming Home 

It’s been five years since I’ve been involved in facilitating a weeklong retreat, and I feel like I’ve come HOME. I believe that every one of the 21 women who attended our first tropical Sacred Feminine Mystery School Retreat is abundantly delighted, surprised, and satisfied. They went home with way more than they expected. We loved Blue Spirit Retreat Center so much that we booked it for next year, November 24-December 1!

Revelation

The testimonials offered by the women who attended (now featured on our Maui retreat page) confirm the truth of how essential this kind of connection is to their lives. For me, it reconfirmed how important this gathering of the feminine is to the core values of the larger Feminine collective. I daresay it was even a revelation.

It was also a big revelation for Amrita Grace, my beloved co-founder and co-facilitator as well as my designated lineage holder and business manager. Like a bolt of lightning, she got potently recharged with her mission to bring this precious, unique body of work to the world in a coherent, cohesive way. (More about that soon)

Practical Expansion

Even the loftiest and most expansive ideas need the practical and organizational skills of a linear mind to ground them into the earth plane and translate them into understandable terms. This is why Amrita and I are such a stellar team! Where I am weak, she is strong. Where I have thirty years of education and experience in achieving bliss through the FUNdamentals of pleasure and play, Amrita puts these fundamentals into a cohesive set of teachings that allows the brain to engage (and then let go) in order to surrender into the Practice of AH (Awakening & Healing). From beginning to advanced practice, from sexual healing practice to sexual awakening practice, we proceed without agenda for the purpose of a sacred and divine blessing to this essence of feminine energy.

Mystery School Mysteries

So what really happened here during our first offering of the Sacred Feminine Mystery School week-long retreat, attended by women from all over the world? Together, as a circle, we created a container so sacred, so powerful, and so filled with integrity, that we were able to go on a well-supported journey into the depths of who we are as feminine beings. We surrendered into the tenderness of the sisterhood while we let go of the burdens of shame, resistance, anger, mistrust, and pain that we’ve carried for lifetimes, handed down through the generations of our foremothers, making space for the sweetness of bliss and pleasure that is our birthright.

Retire? Ha ha, the joke’s on me!

As the Founder of Divine Feminine Awakening and co-founder, with Amrita, of the Sacred Feminine Mystery School, I can now see where my “retirement” ideas are leading… into a new decade of work with Amrita as we weave a curriculum for our Mystery School that’s built on a foundation of the AH Practice and grounded in a new paradigm of feminine principles.

Additional delights

Shamanic Breathwork, offered by Amrita, now has a solid place in the curriculum. Living Blueprint Astrology is also woven in and is essential to the process. This feminine-centered body of work is offered by Lauren Jubelirer, a divinely informed Astrologer and Acupuncturist. Morning Yoga begins each day with a delight for our bodies, offered in such a grace-filled way for every level of participant by Rachel Fiske. Believe me, if Rachel could entice me onto the mat at 7:00 each morning and send me off the mat loving my body, mind, and spirit in preparation for the day, she has a true gift. I have attended and left many yoga classes over the years simply because the teachers do not offer the gentle approach I believe hatha yoga to be.

The Sacred Masculine

I will end this missive in praise of and appreciation to Apollo Grace, Amrita’s beloved husband, who offered AH sessions to the women as an optional service during the week. Their responses, one and all, were filled with gratitude for the Sacred Masculine presence Apollo offers just by being his sincere and loving self. This Feminine Mystery School knows the value of healthy masculine balance, and we proudly offer it where we can find it.

More, please!

We turn our attention now to our next retreat on Maui, April 21-28, 2018. Several of the women who came to Costa Rica signed up for Maui as the retreat week came to an end, knowing how important this work is and feeling the desire to experience more of it as they awaken long-asleep parts of themselves and open their arms to greet a brand new era of Awakening and Healing on the planet.

Home is where my heart is, and it’s good to be HOME!

In deepest joy, Caroline

P.S. We’ve added two new dates for Sacred Feminine Conversations, December 9th and January 6th. It’s a free global telecall with the sacred feminine sisterhood, hosted by me and Amrita. International phone numbers are available. More info here.

In August of 1985, I rented my first home on the island of Maui. As we drove down a bumpy dirt road toward the stunning blue Pacific, I was struck by a sign that said Door of Faith Church. Energy tingled through my entire body as I realized I was opening that door, the door of faith, on this magical island thousands of miles from the US mainland.

Recently I received the final payment from the sale of the beautiful ocean-view temple home and property I developed and built in 1987 on Door of Faith Road. It has been ten years since I said Aloha to my precious home with its 50 coconut palms on three acres. I truly gave birth to a vision of living on a luscious tropical island in paradise.

I taught many, many workshops at Hale Akua Garden Farm Retreat Center near my home on Door of Faith Road… the last one over a decade ago. I’m ready for completion and closure with the Door of Faith, so I am returning to Hale Akua one last time to bring it all full circle with a women’s sexual awakening and healing retreat this April. This will be my final scheduled Maui workshop as I’ll be moving to Central America shortly after this retreat.

Hale Akua means House of the Divine. It’s no mistake that so many lives have been transformed here, where the tropical trade winds blow away that which no longer serves you and the energies of Mama Maui infuse you with love, joy, beauty, pleasure, and truth. It’s the ultimate blessing, to live for a week in the perfection of nature… warm, moist, and nurturing to the very core of your soul. In this place, I have witnessed more miracles than I can recount.

To this day, I still hear from students who participated in one of the many weeklong retreats I had the privilege of teaching at Hale Akua. Were you one of them? I would love to hear about your Hale Akua experience in the comments below.

Aloha… it means hello, goodbye, and I love you.

Aloha, Caroline

PS. Please, my darling… please do not let this opportunity pass you by. It’s likely the last time I travel back to Maui to sit in sadhana with you and share my wisdom. There’s an early-bird rate available through the end of January.

 

I recently encountered The School of Remembering, a Mystery School. It was created by Drunvalo Melchizedek, a man who has spent a life rich in spiritual practice and mystical understanding. His teachings, workshops, and products are new to me, which is exactly why I wish to share them with you. We are, after all, a tribe devoted to higher consciousness.

I love learning about amazing new technologies that can blast open my energy field either for real or because it sounds like they can! Does that ever happen to you? With so much input from people and the internet, I am constantly amazed at how much I don’t know. I often feel like a big giant sea sponge, absorbing in order to plump myself into an orb of intelligence and balanced energy.

The voluptuous goddess I see for my Reflexology sessions turned me on to this body of work. I admit to a certain limitation in terms of molecular technology and my relationship to my own molecules… but I’m open. I want to understand the complex energy that makes up who I am – or at least who I think I am – beyond my obvious definition. Queen and Tantra Goddess only captures so much of me… in fact, only a crown’s worth!

Women, especially at this time in Herstory, are midwives of massive downloads of data. We don’t (well, I don’t) need double blind studies to make me a believer… I love to be Amazed!! I love Union… I love the experience of what I don’t fully understand. If this lovely and very believable man can up my vibration for every activity during the course of my day, I receive with an open heart.

Ok, this may sound woo woo to you. I kinda rock my head from side to side questioning “quantum infused products” myself – in this case, Flower of Sunlight oil – yet something inside of me says why not? The dictionary defines quantum as “the smallest amount of many forms of energy (such as light).” I am not an affiliate… I make nothing if you order it, but I wanted to give you a first-hand report. I will continue to research. I bet my orgasms are bigger than ever with such “enhancement”!

Cellular communication refers to the way in which our cells ‘talk’ to one another, thereby restoring vital energy and enhancing performance while helping to maintain proper energetic balance. I opened the package of my Flower of Sunlight oil, enthusiastically applying it to my wrists and under my nose. My review for today… my energy was off the charts! We shall see.

I sometimes wonder, in left-brain inquiry, if I am being duped… drawn into a mystical possibility that the wearing of a pendant or the use of an essential oil will transform my reality. My mid-western upbringing taught me to question everything before the ‘60’s taught me to primarily question authority. Yet faith and belief are also a strong component of my spirituality and spiritual path. If it feels right, I believe!

How do you know if something is worthy of your faith and belief?

In human and mystical domains, Caroline