As My Hibernation Begins

Holiday Greetings to you my Friend,

My December is inviting me, in a very strong voice, to take very good care of myself between now and Spring, when I will fly off to the island of Maui to say aloha to some of you arriving for the Sacred Feminine Mystery School Retreat, and to say farewell to the wonderful life I lived for twenty years on the Pearl of the Pacific, the island of Maui.

Answering the Call of the Wild screaming out from my soul, I called to set up an appointment for therapy with a woman highly recommended by my bodywork therapist here in the Carson Valley in northern Nevada. What a great surprise was in store for me. A long and lanky cow-girl of a woman with long silver hair and a radiant face welcomed me into her “tack room” office. (For those of you who don’t know what a tack-room is, it’s where they store the saddles and miscellaneous ‘tack’ used for riding and grooming horses. The lingering scent of horse hair and leather filled the air immediately, before I even noticed the saddles sitting upon their stands. Talk about aromatherapy! I was immediately catapulted back to my childhood, to my grampa’s farm, and to living on a ranch in Colorado with my cowboy “partner,” Rick: Chapter Two “On My Way”, Tantra Goddess)

From the moment we sat down, my tears began to flow. I was ready for open-heart surgery, my term for an emotional unzipping of that which keeps my heart and soul on edge. By “on edge,” I mean a phantom thought form or emotion that causes an edge of anxiety in my otherwise contented and peaceful energy field known as “Caroline.”

I began unexpectedly wailing my regrets for the relationships/marriages I had left and ended throughout many years of my life.  She quickly realized how deeply I was carrying their pain of my departure from the Vows of Marriage… Till Death do us Part… and on and on… I made vows I didn’t know I could never keep. I was younger then, so you can imagine how long I have been carrying the broken or bruised hearts of the men and women I have loved deeply, and whom I truly believed I would remain in Union with for the rest of my life.

In some way, these regrets go way back to my mother, Mary, whom I lost faith in at age eleven, when she left motherhood to become a patient in hospitals for the mentally ill. Reclaiming Mother divine through my work with the Divine Feminine and now the Sacred Feminine, I also hold dear the image of The Blessed Mother, or Holy Mother, also going by the name of “Mary.” Now, it is in the eyes of women I meet that I find sanctuary. Within their own hearts… they offer me solace from any unloved moments I may encounter.

My therapist, Suzy, then suggested I write a letter to each of my four primary relationships/marriages.  The following is how I know I will begin each one of those letters:

Dear One,

I am so sorry for any hurt that I may have caused you during the years of our Union. I never meant to hurt you, but only meant to launch myself forward toward my own Life.

If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I would be eternally grateful. First, however, I must forgive myself. I must return to a place of unconditional Love and Compassion for the woman I know myself to be.

I thank you for your valuable role in helping to form the woman I now am. I couldn’t have come this far without you.

And so, as we move toward the Winter Solstice, I invite you to join me in releasing those regrets that no longer serve you. They weigh you down and stand in the way of your birthright… that of unconditional Love and Compassion for yourself.

Ever Evolving, Caroline

The Mother Wound

One of my dear friends recently went into the hospital to fulfill her doctor’s recommendation that she have a hysterectomy to remove her uterus. This recommendation was due to a pap smear cancer alarm that could affect the health or longevity of her uterus. She was devastated.

She came to me grieving deeply about this loss. She told me that her only daughter was in residence at one time in her womb and that her daughter is quite precious to her. I pondered this situation, noticing that my usual compassion was not up to par as I listened. Even though I contacted and blessed my friend internally, I was having a hard time raising my healing love focus to the point where I felt I was doing some good.

Segue to my early life….

I have never been pregnant nor ever delivered a child. My uterus (womb) was removed during my mid-twenties, along with both ovaries and my cervix. I didn’t know how to miss them as I had never met them in the first place.

I adopted my daughter nearly fifty years ago. I suppose you could say it hasn’t turned out well, as she chooses only a very distant relationship with me; whereas I continue to feel into a commitment to love her unconditionally and eternally. I so desire a close relationship with the only daughter I will ever know! And I realize that probably sounds a bit dramatic, as realistically I have thousands of daughters that I have bonded with through my work as an educator and practitioner of conscious loving and sexual healing. Nonetheless… I have a need to be very personal in this blog.

These are the confessions of a woman who didn’t know how to be a mother! And my Mother could barely figure it out, which no doubt led to my uncertainty into the world of mothering. Yet the longing to experience and be a mother never leaves the place inside that aches for the best-friendship possibility with this stranger I’ve called my darling daughter now for nearly fifty years!

Mothering comes naturally to me in my work. I am all female with some masculine characteristics thrown in. I love to nurture, care-take, and protect. I do that with the men in my life and I do it with girlfriends when they need that kind of attention. I do it with my clients, nurturing and attending to their needs while they are in my care. I do it pretty well for me also, mothering myself well when I feel the ache for a mother’s love. I have raised two cats and three puppies in my day… successfully I must say! And “Mama Queenie” is the nickname I was given during my travels in Bali years ago by all of the Balinese mammas who nourished me so deeply.

The Mother Wound is so pervasive in our culture. Is there a woman who doesn’t know the work that it takes to come into alignment and acceptance with their mother? The very fact that we form within our mother’s emptiness, also known as her source, is an invisible umbilical cord that haunts us for life. I seek answers to all of this. Please… what do you know? Share your story with me in the comments.

We are going to dive deeper into this discussion during our next free global video conference, Sacred Feminine Conversations on Feb 11th. Hope you can join us.

Big Love, Caroline