Whether it’s tantric sex, male-female sex, same-gender sex, porn sex, slow sex, sacred sex, or wild and crazy sex, when you boil it down to the bare facts, sex is still sex. A slow smile often creeps up on the face of someone reminded to think about sex. The word alone conjures very different images for different people. But it usually includes images of naked bodies doing things with one another that either includes or features their respective genitalia. But what about sex and monogamy?

The mention of oral sex also carries a lot of lively interest for many. I believe most men love receiving oral sex and enjoy it as a primary offering during sex. I have also known men who do not desire oral sex over intercourse. This may be a relief for some women as the size of a lingam is not always a perfect fit with the size of a woman’s mouth. (My dentist told me once that my mouth is small.)

Women also love receiving oral sex, but the act often makes women uneasy, with expectations that they should orgasm faster than is natural for them in order to please the giver for their efforts to pleasure her. And it can be difficult to explain exactly what works. We also can be overly concerned with how we taste or our scent, impacting our ability to simply be able to relax into receptivity.

Oral pleasure may become an issue for couples, especially as they age. Women often have a lot of issues around accepting their bodies as they grow older, and men find the positions for oral pleasuring uncomfortable (or so they tell me). I am interested in the opinions of young people about oral sex, as I was once told that they don’t consider oral sex as falling into the category of “sex,” but merely a safe sideline before the final act of “hooking up.” This sounds pretty lame in my opinion, but I doubt the vocabulary when I was a teenager was much better. We were told to have NO Sex Until Marriage, which was supposed to solve everything.

Let me tell you… it did not solve anything! If only I could have experienced oral pleasure as “okay” before marriage, I would have had a much more successful wedding night! Virginity was still a sacred gift for the husband of choice back in 1961.

I am currently inside of the discussion about whether it is acceptable for a woman to invite oral pleasure from someone who is not her partner in a committed relationship. If it’s not sex, then what is it? Does this fall into the category of adultery? Or a break in the vow of monogamy? Do our genitals automatically belong to our primary significant other? Who writes the rules other than ourselves?

I imagine that “confidence” is also in the mix for a man choosing not to pleasure a woman with his mouth. Of course, the woman must gently guide her lover into the intricacies of the oral arts, which is not always easy to do. Every woman is different at different times of the day, night, or month… yet the universal song I hear from women about men is “slow down”!

I do believe that a man has the inalienable right to refuse service! Just as women have the inalienable right to refuse (do they still call them “blow jobs”?) I think so! Yet the Tantric language for the oral arts is so elegant and respect-filled. “Honoring” the yoni or the lingam, which in no way requires a happy ending, though many desire just that.

And so my question looms for women who are in committed or monogamous relationships. Is it wrong to expect or request the “freedom” to receive the gift of oral pleasure from another, especially from another woman where intercourse will not follow? Do we need permission? Are our bodies sacrosanct unto ourselves, or does every inch of tissue belong to the beloved?

Please feel free to offer your opinions, unsigned if desired, and we will gather the data. It brings me to the following questions:

A) What is monogamy to you?
B) Are you creating your own version of monogamy in your relationship?

Thank you for participating in my inquiry,

In curious erotic intelligence, Caroline