My December is inviting me, in a very strong voice, to take very good care of myself between now and Spring, when I will fly off to the island of Maui to say aloha to some of you arriving for the Sacred Feminine Mystery School Retreat, and to say farewell to the wonderful life I lived for twenty years on the Pearl of the Pacific, the island of Maui.
Answering the Call of the Wild screaming out from my soul, I called to set up an appointment for therapy with a woman highly recommended by my bodywork therapist here in the Carson Valley in northern Nevada. What a great surprise was in store for me. A long and lanky cow-girl of a woman with long silver hair and a radiant face welcomed me into her “tack room” office. (For those of you who don’t know what a tack-room is, it’s where they store the saddles and miscellaneous ‘tack’ used for riding and grooming horses. The lingering scent of horse hair and leather filled the air immediately, before I even noticed the saddles sitting upon their stands. Talk about aromatherapy! I was immediately catapulted back to my childhood, to my grampa’s farm, and to living on a ranch in Colorado with my cowboy “partner,” Rick: Chapter Two “On My Way”, Tantra Goddess)
From the moment we sat down, my tears began to flow. I was ready for open-heart surgery, my term for an emotional unzipping of that which keeps my heart and soul on edge. By “on edge,” I mean a phantom thought form or emotion that causes an edge of anxiety in my otherwise contented and peaceful energy field known as “Caroline.”
I began unexpectedly wailing my regrets for the relationships/marriages I had left and ended throughout many years of my life. She quickly realized how deeply I was carrying their pain of my departure from the Vows of Marriage… Till Death do us Part… and on and on… I made vows I didn’t know I could never keep. I was younger then, so you can imagine how long I have been carrying the broken or bruised hearts of the men and women I have loved deeply, and whom I truly believed I would remain in Union with for the rest of my life.
In some way, these regrets go way back to my mother, Mary, whom I lost faith in at age eleven, when she left motherhood to become a patient in hospitals for the mentally ill. Reclaiming Mother divine through my work with the Divine Feminine and now the Sacred Feminine, I also hold dear the image of The Blessed Mother, or Holy Mother, also going by the name of “Mary.” Now, it is in the eyes of women I meet that I find sanctuary. Within their own hearts… they offer me solace from any unloved moments I may encounter.
My therapist, Suzy, then suggested I write a letter to each of my four primary relationships/marriages. The following is how I know I will begin each one of those letters:
I am so sorry for any hurt that I may have caused you during the years of our Union. I never meant to hurt you, but only meant to launch myself forward toward my own Life.
If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I would be eternally grateful. First, however, I must forgive myself. I must return to a place of unconditional Love and Compassion for the woman I know myself to be.
I thank you for your valuable role in helping to form the woman I now am. I couldn’t have come this far without you.
And so, as we move toward the Winter Solstice, I invite you to join me in releasing those regrets that no longer serve you. They weigh you down and stand in the way of your birthright… that of unconditional Love and Compassion for yourself.
Ever Evolving, Caroline