If you haven’t read Part 1, you’ll want the background before diving in to Part 2. Read it here.
More than four months have now passed since I began my “ideal” socially distant relationship with a man who reached out to me in January. I have been living in an altered state of consciousness for the majority of these past months, barely noticing the trials and tribulations of this major global and home life change due to the Coronavirus pandemic, social distancing, and everything familiar about my daily life upended. I’m still dancing on the rooftops with my new “friend,” we have burned up the airwaves with our text threads filled with words, photos, art, poetry, disappointments, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Add to that a host of Word documents, emails (but only a very few phone calls), and one more zoom call.
We both love the silence of texting, though we often hear each other’s voices on the videos we send. I am clearly the one who has (what I am finally admitting) a serious crush on him. But really, is a crush soooo serious? Here’s what I found on Google…
Crush is defined as a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone inappropriate or unattainable.
The crush, as long as that person remain a crush, isn’t real. … A crush is a vaguely human-shaped hole in the air into which you pour your own imagination, dreams, projections, desires, and longings. Yes, a crush can turn into love. But before that happens, your crush must first turn into something else: a human being.
Butterflies in your stomach, anxiousness over how long it takes for someone to text you back, obsessing about when you’ll see them again, sweaty palms, etc. Crushes-we’ve all been there, and they’re not just for those middle school days, seriously. The struggle of trying to actually chill out when you have a crush is real and the science behind crushes is fascinating, as are the precious stories of people’s crushes becoming real.
I am also thanking him profusely for holding space and connection with me while I unprofessionally summersaulted through this crush, writing him at all times of the day or night, always with salutations of “sweetheart,” “beloved one,” “gorgeous,” and on and on. At some point I began to realize that he was not feeling the same things I was, as he clearly, warmly, and honestly would inform me that he was just not open to sharing his sexuality or even becoming “virtual” lovers with anyone.
In such beautiful words, he defined this time in his life as a time to reclaim his autonomy while gaining higher insight into his nobility, integrity, and spirituality as a man, which of course just made me fall even harder.
Of course, my wise and mature self totally agrees and supports his feelings and his space. Aren’t I just the most spacious “lover” a man could ever ask for? Not only do I live with my domestic partner of twenty years, I am also twenty years older than “the other beloved,” not to mention half a world away!
And yet…. and yet…
Be sure to stay tuned for Part 3, where I describe the effect this man is having on me, in detail!
Big love, Caroline