This title of this blog is from the author’s note in my book, Tantra Goddess: A Memoir of Sexual Awakening, published in 2012.
I realized that love was meant to be my number one teacher the day my former husband and now, dear friend, Charles asked me, “What do you want out of your life Caroline?”
I replied, that I just want to be where the most love is. I want to dedicate myself to the work of Tantra and I want to be around you.
That’s how our relationship unfolded, and we still have a special and caring friendship today. The truth is, I have always wanted to be where the most love is. It is a trait that has defined me for most of my life.
Wanting to be where the most love is, has propelled me to seek and explore ways to experience love more deeply. It has led me to wonder – how I could help others who were also longing to experience more love? This quest to help others open to love guided me to travel and teach tantra yoga for many years.
After 30 years of traveling and teaching – I needed a break. So, I moved to Panama!
Once I arrived in Panama, I began to slowly acclimate to a country I had never lived in before. I was settling into a new life, making new friends, seeing new places, and then, boom! The pandemic brought it all to a halt overnight.
Like the rest of the world, I stayed close to home for most of 2020. As the pandemic began to taper off in 2021, I slowly reemerged from self-isolation along with everyone else.
I eased back into the world, gradually resuming my divine feminine work. During the pandemic – with the help of Zoom and WhatsApp – my passion for teaching sexual healing and awakening began to take the form of private sessions with people who were ready for a deeper dive into the divine and sacred feminine. In many cases, I found people enjoyed the ability to work with me remotely. Video communication gave us a chance to see each other and become closer while still feeling safe in our own homes.
As the pandemic slowly fades from view, people are more adventurous. I find people asking to come work with me in Panama. They want one-on-one time in a Private Immersion.
It is quite easy. They can stay in my building or the Marriot next door. We can be together and dive deep into uncovering their clarity, authenticity, and trust in themselves. In our three days of private sessions, each lasting around three hours, we laugh – and sometimes cry – as they reach the deep places they have been seeking or missing for a lifetime.
LOVE continues to be my teacher in this fun, creative, post-pandemic time.
New perspectives are opening up for me in this innovative time as the world roars back to life!
I find that this juicy moment in time is bringing up memories and stories from my past. Especially many of the sexual awakening and healing stories from my book, Tantra Goddess: A Memoir of Sexual Awakening.
There are so many rich and potent stories in the book. One of my favorite quotes is a beautiful poem about love:
“A beloved is for me, the divine lover, who languishes radiantly in the corner of my heart.
As the beloved takes form for you,
remember that courage and perseverance are the hallmarks of a pioneer.
Conscious sexual loving, practiced as an art form,
is not for the faint of heart, but for the kings and queens and poets of love.”
LOVE teaches me – whether I’m having a crush or breaking my marriage vows.
Bowing down to love as my ultimate teacher and walking a spiritual path with her has sometimes been a rocky road.
Uncovering my soul’s purpose means that the path will not always be smooth.
There will be challenges that encourage me to grow and expand in ways I would not have normally chosen.
To this day, I still learn from my isolated romantic fantasies.
My fantasies are an ongoing opportunity to remember previous lessons of love – that acting on those attractions and fantasies can cause a lot of drama and pain in my life. Thankfully I realized quite a long time ago that this type of drama was just not worth the few moments of excitement it might create.
I affectionately tell my partner of these last 20 years. There’s enough drama that comes from living intimately and getting to know someone for that many years. I certainly don’t need any more drama in my life!
Crushes I have on other men or women are LOVE’s assistant teachers!
Do you remember having a crush on someone in your preteens? My experience of a crush is a sort of awakening of love in my heart. As we get older, we realize that crushes are only meant to be wonderful romantic fantasies. Fantasies I prefer to mostly keep to myself.
When I have a crush on someone, it almost always starts with a fantasy of romance. I can make up my own private movie about how my fantasy will proceed. Sometimes there is a chance my secret dreams may wander into some form of sexual fantasy, which can be exciting.
A lot of the time, I feel like a teenager, which is pretty good for a woman in her late 70s!
Every so often, my body reminds me that I don’t have the body of a teenager. But the occasional aches and pains don’t inhibit my romantic fantasies in the slightest. Perhaps my ability to fantasize so fluently is due to my reading romance novels as a teenager. My imagination was set free!
LOVE teaches me how to tell when a crush is beginning.
A crush is beginning when I feel what it would be like if the person I am seeing were to walk into the room. It’s the feeling of wanting to have my hair done and wear something special to greet them. Once I feel the desire to touch, kiss, and be closer, then I know it’s a crush!
Fortunately, my private movies of love and romance rarely develop into anything but make-believe. Perhaps a couple of times, with permission, I have texted or had a conversation with the person I have a crush on, but that’s as far as things have ever gone.
As I move into this stage of my life, because of my age, I don’t really have the confidence to step out and actually make love with someone else in the flesh. I prefer to leave things mysterious!
It occurred to me one day – I have been a serial monogamist.
I say I was a serial monogamist because I was almost always in a relationship and living with someone. I did not spend much time being single.
With my first husband, when I was 18, I wanted to be a really good wife and have adventures with my husband. I liked the feeling of fidelity in marriage. But I had not learned yet that I was a serial monogamist. I ended up breaking the fidelity and breaking the marriage.
As relationships and marriage came and went, I found that I was always the first one to break the relationship or the marriage. I was never 100% faithful, which has never been a big secret among those people who know me.
As you can see, there’s a wild girl in me and she’s still in need. However, I don’t act on those infidelities anymore. At least, not so far!
I am having this honest conversation with you about myself because it struck me as important to share this wild girl part of myself with you.
You may think Caroline is a little – out there. And I agree with you – I AM! Out where? Out there in a world of acceptance, honesty, trust, and pure love.
Being an authentic, original version of Caroline – non-judgemental and accepting – can make me seem unusual from the rest of society. I don’t mind being seen as Out There. It’s a good thing, in my opinion! Like wild animals; they’re pure and honest. They’re not trying to be anyone else.
Love has always been the most important thing to me.
I have so much room in my heart from which to love and be loved. It seems almost infinite to me.
Perhaps you are one of those girlfriends who would like to get together occasionally and talk about boys. We might talk about a recent date we had or somebody we have a crush on!
If you are one of those girlfriends, I’d love to hear from you. Maybe you will want to become a subscriber to my YouTube account, and we could see each other there. Or on a Discovery call. And, perhaps someday, we may meet.
Life is mysterious.
Conversation with Caroline adaption and writing by Wordsmith – Peter D. Black