Lost in Expectations and Fantasies of Love? Here’s the Way Out!

It is my joy to share with you the riches of a lifetime – the lessons and gifts which I have embodied during my long journey of self-discovery.

These precious gifts have come to me through decades of self-exploration. Learning from my teachers and mentors, along with my practices of sexual healing through tantric yoga has guided me. These riches have also come into my life during my many years of teaching, as I have learned deeply from my courageous and candid students.

It is a great privilege to share my own healing and awakening journey with you.

My ultimate wish is that by sharing with you the lessons I have learned these many years, I will assist you in three important ways:

  • reclaim the power of your enjoyment and of the pleasure of life.
  • discover your ability to be intimate again.
  • wake up to who you really are – your unique, pure, glorious, unhindered self!
Today, let’s begin the process of uncovering the authentic you, buried under years of false expectations.

Every culture around the world has its own traditions and fairy tales that are told to little children. Our parents want to give us the best childhood possible, with all the wonderful memories of growing up.

So they tell us fairy tales. They tell us that Santa Claus is bringing gifts down the chimney. The tooth fairy is leaving money under your pillow. And they tell us about Cinderella, the young lady of the Cinders, who somehow ends up capturing the heart of a prince.

The Cinderella myth is repeated in our culture via movies and books almost endlessly. Many of us love to read romance novels where the woman ends up riding off into the sunset with the impossibly handsome hero.

We grow up reinforcing the fantasy of the perfect man, The Prince, at almost every turn. He is everything a woman could ever want, all rolled into one fabulous package. He is gorgeous, strong, supportive, compassionate, and wise. Plus, he is gentle and understanding in the bedroom.

He is the perfect fantasy! Unfortunately, he does not exist.

I had all the same expectations and fantasies as the rest of my generation. Now, I can help you to rise out of these myths and wake up to who you really are.

I got married more than once simply because it fulfilled the fantasy of love that I held from my childhood and teenage years.

Like most women, my fantasies about love were formed very young from romantic movies and romance novels. Prince Charming would come to the rescue and save me.

My illusions and fantasies about marriage were formed in the 1940s and 1950s. And yet, girls today are STILL growing up with the same false expectations and fantasies.

I am often hearing from young women that they feel lost as women.

These are women in youthful sexual relationships who are preparing to walk down the aisle. And they are feeling lost. They feel lost around their sexuality and lost in terms of how to keep up with their partner in sex if it’s not coming naturally for them to do so.

As the bride prepares her clothes and hair for getting married, she may realize that she has never prepared herself for what is expected in her new relationship of marriage. Maybe no one has ever talked to her about what is expected of a young wife or young mother.

Bridesmaids and close women friends may talk about the bride’s upcoming marital sex at her bachelorette party, and everyone assumes that women are very good at sex.

Not necessarily so! Some of us are good, and some of us don’t know how to be good. How do we finally come out of the dark and find out how to be good at sex?

How can we move beyond expectations?  The ones that women have been given for thousands of years and come into the light of more loving, compassionate relationships?

During our sexual relationships, whether with men or women, young or old, sex is a big draw. And to figure sex out and have fulfillment takes time and experience. It can take the better part of our life.

Therefore, let me unfold how this coming into the light happened for me.

What happened for me was that I discovered my sexual pleasure as a very young girl with my clitoris. I loved clitoral orgasms, and as I got older, I would give them to myself with great enthusiasm!

During my first marriage to a loving, tender Italian/Portuguese man, I would have a wonderful time during the day sometimes, pursuing clitoral orgasms while he was away at work. My young husband was very interested in sex, and he was trying hard to also get me interested in sex.

His sex drive turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me.

Since he was so enamored by sex, he wanted an open marriage, and he wanted to explore with me the idea of having different partners. So I began to enjoy sex more and more as I explored it with different men.

As my destiny would have it, at some point during this time of open marriage and exploration, I landed in a Tantra yoga class with a yoga teacher who was teaching about the sacredness of sex.

He taught about the sacredness of our body parts. Both men’s and women’s sexual parts. He introduced the concept from tantra yoga of the woman’s sexual parts, what men sometimes call a pussy, being called the Yoni. The Yoni was considered a sacred space. And the man’s penis was referred to as a lingam or a wand of light/ a wand of God.

At the time, I thought, wow, I can really align with my body having a sacred space! And I could see the wonder and delight of embracing the sacred wand of light.

The concept of sacred sex knocked my socks off. I realized that in ancient yoga cultures, this was how they referred to each other’s genitals! It was a great awakening for me!

Tantra yoga teachings grew within me. I began to revere every man in the class.

This made be able to see every man as carrying sacred energy, from his crown chakra down to his heart, to his belly – all the way to his base chakra where his passion center or lingam resided.

I felt the same sacred energy from the women in the classes and could feel their longings and their progression as sexual people.

The classes grew and grew, and eventually, I started teaching the tantra yoga workshops with Charles Muir, my original tantra yoga teacher! During every weekend workshop, the women would gather for several hours and sit in a circle with me.

I would teach these women, sometimes 50 or 60, about their sacred spot, about their Yonis. My guidance would help them to discover the pleasure that was waiting for them, hidden in the clitoris and vagina.

To this day, I have never forgotten the women who would tell me I don’t really have orgasms when we have sex. I have worked hard ever since hearing those words to make sure the women who come to me for help understand how to feel pleasure in THEIR bodies!

The power of your pleasure is sometimes orgasmic, and sometimes it’s you having a belly laugh!

Because you are having so much fun with this sweetheart that you’re with, you can have pleasure and fun in whatever you’re doing. Whether it’s love talk, penetrating, licking, loving through the eyes, or loving through touch and massage, magic can happen.

As a fully sexual human being, it really can be fun. And the painful part can be very healing. All we need is to take a deep breath and rise up to face our fears. Just behind those fears, joy and love are waiting.

It’s all about waking up to who you are – exploring and expanding into intimacy.

I look forward to supporting you on your journey.


Conversation with Caroline adaption and writing by Wordsmith – Peter D. Black

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