Men come to the subject of Tantra not knowing what it is but assuming that it means some sort of “better sex” with different techniques and more pleasure. Perhaps they heard from a male friend who said he found a Tantra Goddess somewhere and had fantastic sex.
Men have heard that Tantra involves prolonging their orgasms/ejaculations for some spiritual purpose, which they may not understand. Most men would probably assume that prolonging his orgasm must be to enhance his sexual pleasure in some new way or because he wants to last longer for the woman’s pleasure.
For men, sex and the release of orgasm is the ultimate goal. That is their spiritual moment, or so they think. Therefore, most men will not see a reason to learn about Tantra until they have a sexual partner interested in exploring Tantra and who invites them to a workshop to be their partner for the different Tantra exercises.
There may be other men who become interested in Tantra because the facilitator of a meditation or spiritual group will encourage them to experiment with Tantra as a way to connect more with their divine inner being.
However a man arrives at the doorway to Tantra, he will need to keep an open mind and experiment with the different techniques, learning tools, and entirely different goals.
Remember, this does not mean a man cannot still have regular sex and have the delicious orgasm he craves.
No, that is not the case at all. Men can have sex anytime they have a willing partner ready to play along. They can still focus 100% on achieving the orgasm and carrying on as they have always done. That style of sex will always be available to him.
Approaching Tantra as a man for the first time involves a willingness to try something different. It does not mean he locks himself up in a cave in the Himalayas and only hangs out with Tantric partners. That is not the case at all. He can still have sex like in the “old days.” However, who knows? Maybe Tantra will be great! Perhaps it will change his life!
Tantra is a Paradigm Shift in the way men think about sex and having sex.
It is very different from the Runaway Train of sex as most men know it. Not that there is anything wrong with jumping into bed and having hot, fantastic sex! That is great! Nevertheless, this is different. Quite possibly, More Satisfying!
Tantra for men begins with slowing down, not having the urgent necessity of one’s ejaculation. This urgency ends up taking over the entire sexual conversation. Furthermore, his partner often ends up feeling pushed aside in his all-consuming drive for orgasm. The beauty of slowing down means his partner feels closer, more profound connection.
Slowing down could mean, first, doing some yoga. Or, maybe some meditation, some slow, deep breathing. And then begin to explore with his partner. Bringing her to a clitoral orgasm first, and then starting to play between both sexual bodies – flirting, nibbling, some penetration, back and forth, no rush, no goal.
Men who are open to experimenting will find themselves switching their focus from having their ejaculation first to putting their sexual partner first. And then, they can slowly explore from that point onwards.
Once the insatiable drive for his orgasm no longer consumes him, Every Time he has sex, he will find a deeper, more meaningful connection with his partner. He may even find this new reality of nurturing a beautiful, deep connection with his partner more satisfying than the Runaway Train model!
As men tiptoe into their learning about Tantra, they will also learn a new vocabulary, using the ancient words from the eastern mystics of Tao and Tantra. These words exalt the sexual organs, which will give him a whole new perspective of her body and the act of sex.
Rather than a man using his cock, a name for a fighting rooster, he will use Lingam, which means Wand of Light. That is much more beautiful and uplifting, taking men to a whole other place. A sacred place.
It gets much better. The woman’s vagina has the ancient word, Yoni, used in its place. Yoni means Sacred Space. That, again, is so beautiful. It brings us so much closer to Nature and The Divine.
So now, in Tantra, sex becomes a playful adventure with no end goal. There can be merging and melting into one another, having a divine connection.
As the man joins the woman in Tantra, women may need to slow down their expectations of what may or may not happen. All our adult sexual lives, we women have been conditioned to think, “This is our job. First, to get the man off. Only then will he be able to relax into his Post-Orgasm Bliss.”
Also, at the same time, we have catered to his ejaculation. We women have longed for a deeper and more authentic connection with our partners. That is why we almost always come away from our sexual encounters, wanting more. Sometimes we wish the fun and pleasure could have lasted longer or that there could be more variety in the process than just jumping on and pumping away.
As responsible women, we must accept some responsibility for what we are getting. No one has forced us to do the things we are doing with our full consent and even love. However, we may be too passive. We have to be courageous and bring up our need to talk about a more profound connection at safe moments – at a time when he will not feel defensive or criticized, and we can have a loving conversation.
We must wait for the perfect time to talk because sex is often misunderstood. Surely we do not want our partners to think we are saying something is wrong with them. That would ultimately defeat our whole purpose of creating a deeper connection.
Ideally, we will approach the subject of Tantra together, partner to partner, as a team, with the mutual goal of experiencing a more profound closeness, intimacy, and spiritual growth. We both want the same things, and we want to have a lot of fun and intimacy while we grow into these things.
In the next blog, Tantra for Men, Part II, we will explore and expand into more tantric experiences in our regular life.
I will explain some of the common misconceptions many men feel so that men can feel confident exploring something new. This exploration will be In Addition To having all the great sex they had before – if that is what they still desire.
There is only possible Gain in this exploration, no Loss, except maybe the loss of things you find no longer serve or interest you.
See you next month in Tantra for Men, Part 2.
Conversation with Caroline adaption and writing by Wordsmith – Peter D. Black