Today I feel moved to share the importance of not giving up on finding and creating the relationship that is perfect for you.
I am inspired to have this conversation today by a dear friend I have known almost forever. She told me, Caroline, I’m getting older and have never found the Right One for me. I’ve been to so many weddings of other people. The majority of my friends are happily married!
I have followed the love stories of so many dear friends: I’ve been to their wedding showers, their baby showers, and to meet their new babies. She ended her sad tale with: I am the cliché, Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
And now, today, here she IS – THE BRIDE!
On her BIG day, I am feeling her deeply. Her perseverance and the fact that she never gave up on her dream eventually led her to the great guy she now calls her husband. He is a kind, gentle man she blissfully shares her life with.
It was not easy for her. The most valuable things in life never are. She took emotional risks, she put her feelings out there, and she met her mate 100% on all levels. She walked boldly into conversations and sensitive issues with love and kindness until she could feel deep in her spirit – he was the one!
This is the person I want to share my life with!
Some couples meet each other growing up as teenagers and go on to spend their entire lives together. But for most of us, we spend a good portion of our lives moving from one potential mate to another, wondering when our moment of rapture, finding Our Person, will arrive!
Long-term relationships and marriage can be so complex and mysterious. For most of us, there is a multitude of boxes to check before we arrive at the point of knowing that we have found The One.
And then, there is another set of boxes we need to tick off to make sure we nurture both ourselves and our growing relationship. We need to learn how to lovingly make the necessary course corrections when things start to veer off track.
Sometimes, there is heartbreak along the way.
Many people have told me they have fears about getting married. They’re afraid to make the commitment because they have seen that it doesn’t work out for a large number of people,
Other friends have told me that they’re afraid marriage will change the person they married into someone else, somebody they may find they don’t want to be with.
And then, there are the sad stories I’ve heard from friends who were deeply in love and got married, only to find that the other person was just unable to receive the love and joy showering upon them from their spouse.
Yes, these sad or scary things can happen sometimes. The good news is that most times, these things do NOT happen, especially when there is a strong commitment and good communication.
Most people understand life is uncertain and mysterious.
We just cannot predict the future with 100% certainty. We have to assume some risk in almost every venture we undertake. It can be a relationship, a business opportunity, having kids, a new job, you name it.
That’s why we have a courting period first. We want to get to know one another’s core values and beliefs before we decide to make it a permanent commitment. We need to wait until we feel that we are right for each other. After that, we may even have an engagement so we can go deeper into a test run of sharing our lives together.
The basic fact remains true – it’s never too late to find a mate! And you don’t have to give up your freedom in the process!
Finding that person that is right for you means you will give up certain behaviors that don’t really nurture you.
Some people may say you’re giving up your freedom because you don’t want to go out drinking and carousing at bars with them as much. For most of us, we would love to give up that so-called freedom to share our lives with a special person.
Of course, you can still go out with your buddies or with your girlfriends to a bar or a coffee shop. That’s just normal, healthy behavior. But once you find that special person you’ve been longing for, you will find that usually, you will prefer to stay home most evenings and make dinner together and chat about your day.
Or, sleep in together, and make a lovely breakfast together. You may find that starting personal traditions, like blueberry pancakes in the park in the summertime, is more fun than waking up with a hangover!
We all need to balance our togetherness time with our own alone time.
Many couples have time away from each other built into the relationship through their work. Most couples work at different jobs and go to their own office, job site, or business they own and run.
I also need my own space, my own thoughts, and my individuality as much as I need my partnership. I love having my own artwork around as well as having my own friendships.
Since a healthy couple is a meeting and sharing between two dynamic individuals, I need to be able to maintain my own individuality by cultivating those parts of myself separate from my spouse. I might go off on a backpacking trip for the weekend while my partner goes to a writing workshop.
It is crucial to continue to nurture those parts of ourselves which make us who we are. And those things will change, so we also need to be adept at communicating when we feel uncertain of what our partner is thinking or feeling.
Communication! Communication! Communication!
It is our greatest joy and biggest challenge sometimes. There are so many subjects – everything from children and sex to finances and where to live. How to interact with your in-laws and your families, what is expected of you, what is wanted and not wanted, what is comfortable and not comfortable.
Some well-wishers will advise you to just go home and tell them how you really feel! That is a lot easier said than done! To actually sit or lay down with your partner, hold them tenderly, and speak your truth takes courage.
But sometimes, when you’re feeling the authentic need to say something that you are hoping for in the creation of your union, you have to speak up.
Some of the successes I have had in meaningful communication is finding a way to be honest with my partner about what I would like to see more of. Things I need to find more of in myself and in the relationship. I’ve had to learn the skill of telling the truth over the years. And yes, I’m still working on this aspect of communication because it is vitally important.
Keeping your love alive means you’re always ready to embody the spirit of love.
When you say good morning, when you invite your sweetheart to the breakfast table, and when you welcome them back home after a day’s work, you can bring the spirit of love, joy, and being happy to make that special one you love, feel loved.
Two of the most beautiful moments of the day are the beginning and the end of the day.
If it’s the morning, and he forgets the love, you bring it, baby! You bring the spirit of love with a soft, “Good morning, sweetheart. I love you.”
You can keep the love flowing, “Let’s have the best Sunday we’ve had in a long time! Let’s do something different and unusual!” And, of course, you both know what will be happening at some point to make it the best Sunday!
And when you go to sleep at night and lay your head down on your pillows, you can end the day with a moment of connection and love. You both can lay on your sides, facing each other, and say, “Have a wonderful sleep, love of my life. Sweet dreams. I love you.”
The spirit of love will thank you.
Conversation with Caroline adaption and writing by Wordsmith – Peter D. Black