If you haven’t read Parts 1-3, you’ll want all the buildup and juicy details before diving in to Part 4. Start here with Part 1.

Bearing in mind that this anticipated time together in person with my Imaginary Lover (I.L.) is purely imaginary, read on…

We find a place to be alone, as I know I want to not just see and touch him, but also to feel my whole body in immediate closeness with his. He becomes human as my cells inhale him, and a part of me begins to settle down.

We find a way to be in the water together, water being a “happy place” for both of us. My arms are wide open, my heart is wide open, my eyes are wide open, my legs are wide open, and my lips and smile are wide open. I do not feel any need for protection on any level. That may change, but for now, this is a really great feeling. While this fantasy is lots of fun to ponder, the truth is that I have already received all I ever actually need from my I.L.

Am I helping him? Am I “working” with him sufficiently as was the initial request? I’ll have to ask… but my hunch is yes. When I work with someone, the tools of my trade are actually with me at all times. I use the power of my love and consciousness. These are the tools of my trade… Loving and being Loved. I keep it simple. Just about everything that needs to be revealed will come to the surface within the context of Loving and being Loved.

Admittedly, in sexual healing work I have a list of things for giving a session… setting a sacred space, warm oils and towels, pillows for comfort, lubricant, soft music, flickering candles … you get the picture.

But, is that all necessary or even ideal? Hands-on work I learned in my Tantra studies. The power of hands on the body and asking permission to touch either with clothes on or off tend to further open the body for the healing that is invited and needed.  I have been a massage therapist for forty years and I love what happens when both giving and receiving during a good massage.

Payment for this “work” together was agreed upon, but never really implemented by mutual, unspoken agreement. Of course,  he could always choose to pay according to our agreement, but quite honestly I would prefer a long, deep, full-disclosure Kick-Ass, F—K YES! Friendship” like the one we are having now.

I believe he knows now that he will hear from me every day just as I am now resting in the comfort of knowing I will hear from him. If too busy for words, then just sending a photo tells me everything. Photos of a sunset, waves coming into the sand, a flower opening on a vine … little but big things like that.

I admit to loving this locked in, locked down period of time. I am taking more naps, indulging in rest. I close the door to my private space, signaling my partner DO NOT DISTURB. My mind will often gauge whether I have pleasured myself recently, so whether I feel like it or not, I will often simply rest a warm hand or fingers over my Pearl and labia, allowing time to signal what will happen next.  I then imagine the penetrating eyes of my Imaginary Lover. Soon… arousal springs from an underground “spring” as it often does…

With warm fingers well covered in Yoni Butter™, the perfect symphony of circles and spirals begins. My I.L. continues to gaze as my pleasure spirals upward. It doesn’t matter how long I take, climax signals The End, and often the end is minutes long! How blessed I feel. How not alone I feel. How warm and covered in love I feel. Dripping in post orgasmic Bliss, and after a long recovery, I join my partner on the terrace for a glass of wine.

Texting my I.L. that a juicy story is about to come in over the network, I began to howl in laughter, releasing so much worldly tension, Virus energies, dead bodies being buried in the parks of New York City, fears of not enough, and when will the restaurants ever open again? My sweetheart asks me “What’s so funny?” and I just can’t stop laughing! Hysteria is a good cure for stress.  Pleasure is even better.

My I.L. and I have not had a reason to define our first meeting as yet… there is no air travel, we are all in quarantine, and we don’t yet know if we will live through this pandemic. But in the meantime, I’ve got the Ideal Relationship!

Big love, Caroline

 

If you haven’t read Parts 1 and 2, you’ll want all the juicy details before diving in to Part 3. Start here with Part 1 and here’s the link for Part 2.

I find this “ideal” man compelling, arousing, sexually stimulating, and fulfilling during my private time with myself, and I respectfully asked him for his permission to “use” his presence during my self-pleasuring time. I described for him in detail how I felt his essence … his energy … coursing through me from the beginning. It is his eyes that penetrate me, not his genitals. Then again, it is love that is my turn-on. He leads with his heart as many others do, and those are the people, men or women, who attract me.

It led to an interesting dialogue about how people rarely ask permission in sexual, let alone imaginary sexual situations. I believe he felt respected by my inquiry, and perhaps just a little lit up, also!

I’ve bestowed him with the title Imaginary Lover, and it’s in my imagination where sexual arousal often begins, especially when even lovers cannot get physically together to “love one another”… at least not without endangering their health  and that of their families! Oh, there are lots of ways to exchange sexual connection and turn-on via text messaging, photos, and videos, but none of that is what I am interested in defining here.

There is great value in keeping our sexual energy moving in a healthy way, even, and especially, during a global crisis! Alone is fine, but being under the penetrating gaze of a quality (or, I suppose, even a non-quality) person somehow makes the whole experience of solo orgasms more enticing … more enjoyable … and certainly more intense!

I also notice the purity of this ideal relationship in that I cannot find fault with any part of him. He lives in ideal perfection… whereas my daily and primary partner is not that ideal to me for various little reasons, such as mild irritants, hard-of-hearing moments, or that ongoing cough I continue to hear from the other room. After twenty years I do not find sex with my primary partner as satisfying as many of my solo self-pleasuring sessions and that’s simply the truth.

I also find this “other beloved” taking up residence deep within my heart. I rarely notice when I am NOT thinking about him… he is with me nearly all my time even when I am with my significant partner. I just can’t shake him loose, nor do I want to!

Will we ever meet? That remains a question. We have both admitted to knowing we will quite possibly feel shy when we do finally meet and spend some time together. How I see that time is purely imaginary, but here is what I hope…

Be sure to stay tuned for Part 4, the final part, where I share my desires, hopes, and fantasies for a meeting in person.

I always love and welcome your comments!

Big love, Caroline

 

If you haven’t read Part 1, you’ll want the background before diving in to Part 2. Read it here.

More than four months have now passed since I began my “ideal” socially distant relationship with a man who reached out to me in January. I have been living in an altered state of consciousness for the majority of these past months, barely noticing the trials and tribulations of this major global and home life change due to the Coronavirus pandemic, social distancing, and everything familiar about my daily life upended. I’m still dancing on the rooftops with my new “friend,” we have burned up the airwaves with our text threads filled with words, photos, art, poetry, disappointments, hopes, dreams, and fantasies. Add to that a host of Word documents, emails (but only a very few phone calls), and one more zoom call.

We both love the silence of texting, though we often hear each other’s voices on the videos we send. I am clearly the one who has (what I am finally admitting) a serious crush on him. But really, is a crush soooo serious? Here’s what I found on Google…

Crush is defined as a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone inappropriate or unattainable.          

 The crush, as long as that person remain a crush, isn’t real. … A crush is a vaguely human-shaped hole in the air into which you pour your own imagination, dreams, projections, desires, and longings. Yes, a crush can turn into love. But before that happens, your crush must first turn into something else: a human being.

 Butterflies in your stomach, anxiousness over how long it takes for someone to text you back, obsessing about when you’ll see them again, sweaty palms, etc. Crushes-we’ve all been there, and they’re not just for those middle school days, seriously. The struggle of trying to actually chill out when you have a crush is real and the science behind crushes is fascinating, as are the precious stories of people’s crushes becoming real.

I am also thanking him profusely for holding space and connection with me while I unprofessionally summersaulted through this crush, writing him at all times of the day or night, always with salutations of “sweetheart,” “beloved one,” “gorgeous,” and on and on. At some point I began to realize that he was not feeling the same things I was, as he clearly, warmly, and honestly would inform me that he was just not open to sharing his sexuality or even becoming “virtual” lovers with anyone.

In such beautiful words, he defined this time in his life as a time to reclaim his autonomy while gaining higher insight into his nobility, integrity, and spirituality as a man, which of course just made me fall even harder.

Of course, my wise and mature self totally agrees and supports his feelings and his space. Aren’t I just the most spacious “lover” a man could ever ask for? Not only do I live with my domestic partner of twenty years, I am also twenty years older than “the other beloved,” not to mention half a world away!

And yet…. and yet…

Be sure to stay tuned for Part 3, where I describe the effect this man is having on me, in detail!

Big love, Caroline

Ideal Relationship | Caroline MuirWhether you have a love relationship with another or just with yourself, I imagine it falls somewhere between “ideal” and “reality.” But what if there’s another option? What I am proposing is a socially distant ideal relationship… like the one that I am now experiencing during this global life change in what feels like my new “world order.”

Right after we entered into 2020 in January, a man inquired via my website about working with me. The contact form was screened by my Virtual Assistant, and when she forwarded the form to me, she mentioned that she knew of this man and urged me to consider working with him. Since I don’t normally work privately with men unless they are part of a couple, she knew I would likely not follow up with him without her encouragement, and her hunch was strong.

After responding in an email about what a private session or series of them might look like, he informed me that he would like to work on zoom only and we set up our first call. It was warm and cordial, each in our respective homes over a half a world apart.

He spoke openly about his recently orchestrated ending of a twenty-year marriage and the emotional challenges he was facing. Asking him how he found and chose me from all of the therapists or Tantra practitioners he could work with locally, he said I had touched his heart with the depth he felt in me during an interview I had done months earlier. It touched me as well that this was what motivated him to contact me… my deep heart!

We ended the call within an hour with me honestly saying that I would love to work with him in whatever way he felt most comfortable, and I admitted that I needed a connection of this kind also. It surprised me that I was that vulnerable with him and I know it surprised and delighted him as well, seeing as how neither of us yet knew what kind of connection we would be having. He was very open about his feelings of failure both emotionally and financially. I also admitted that I was facing some emotional challenges in my primary relationship of twenty years, and that financial realities were more precarious for me as well.

Off now to a good start of openness and honesty, I kept looking at how I would further working with him without access to my usual healing modalities that have always required intimate touch and contact. Within a week I sent him a text message, not realizing it was the middle of his night but morning for me. He instantly responded by text that he was tossing and turning in bed when my message landed and how happy he was to hear from me. Delighted and surprised at how he welcomed me, I believe that was the moment my heart began to open more fully. Could this person actually become a good friend, I wondered?

Be sure to stay tuned for Part 2, which picks up several months and several thousand texts later! I always welcome your comments, too!

Big love, Caroline

The Panama night is balmy and seductive as I slip my two tickets to Copillia into my evening bag, noting that I rarely dress up for an evening out. A production of this classical Ballet was suggested by a young Russian woman in the gym who I am getting to know. She assured me that the National Ballet of Panama was excellent! With that in mind, I invited my dear Italian Ayurvedic massage therapist, his wife and two little girls to accompany us.

A Night at the Ballet … memories of Lincoln Center … a thousand nights at the ballet in New York City during my twenties. Why is Ballet such a passion for me, given that I have great compassion for the payout dancers must make to train their bodies at this level? But as the curtain goes up, the troupe of young men and women dance before my eyes in costumes that glitter with enchantment, creating a spell to the early music of Leo Delibes, Tchaikovsky, and many others. The sheer grace of the dancing stars is familiar this night as the curtain raises like a full moon erupting from the ocean.

To my delight and surprise, the two- and four-year-old daughters of my friends became the focus of my attention along with the dancers on the stage. The two-year-old had been preparing for this night with mommy and daddy by watching YouTube productions of Swan Lake with her big sister. She was dressed in sheer pink, so that her movements, as she mimicked the ballerinas in the space between the first row and the stage, were spell-binding. Tears poured from my eyes as I took in both the little one and the highly trained dancers on the stage.

I felt her pure oneness with the performance. She was the Star of her own stage! Light poured from her eyes and she never missed a moment of the evening though way past her bedtime. Her Papa smiled his love upon her as he protected his little ballerina… her occasional rushes into his arms for reassurance were so human, precious, and vulnerable.

Wouldn’t we all like to have our Papa’s arms to rush into for reassurance? Wouldn’t we all like to be wearing our long gauzy gown or pink tutu to a night out with parents who adored us? Wouldn’t we all love to be mesmerized by the lights, the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd? Wouldn’t we all like to have felt so loved?

It’s never too late … never too late… never too late, I say.

I always adore your comments!

Let’s Dance, xoxo Carolina

Where there’s a will, there’s a way! my Mama always told me. My partnership with Will is my longest relationship after four marriages and four divorces. I am not proud of that, but there was a lot I didn’t know as a younger woman. LOL… and LOT (Lots of Tears)!

I struggle to describe him. I also feel the need to write about him, in the greater context of my life, to you. For he is the reason I am not single. He is also the reason I have the freedom to have a lover who is a woman. And I want this portrayal as a follow up to my last Blog on Love, Desire, and Eros. Will is a good man, a kind man who will do anything for me. Yet he never loses his core connection to himself. I really like that.

Will and I are nearly the same age (75), though eight months apart. For a “mature” man, he has complete access to his ”little boy” … a charming little fellow … very playful … loves to dance, sing, and look into his computer screen for the better part of the day and the better part of all that is fascinating, outside the box of tradition, for things pertaining to our future.  He loves films, music, adventure, history, art, architecture, books, Artificial Intelligence (AI), science, life extension, the Singularity … and me.

He sleeps like a baby straight through the night. He is vital, healthy, and takes no prescription drugs. I am very proud to say that about him. He is a biomedical researcher, having helped his company bring to the market items like DHEA, Vinpocetine, NAD+ precursor nicotinamide, 5-HTP, Mastic Gum, Galantamine, and other products you might find on your vitamin shelf. He loves “brilliance” in all areas such as creativity, wine, and Life!

Into my life, he has brought a greater appreciation for all of the above. He’s brought kindness in the face of my anger, and the reality that “I’m sorry” is never needed … a rare being, indeed. Okay, I admit to not always being easy to deal with …

Upon meeting him on Maui in my kitchen in March of 2001, his first statement to me was, “I have always wanted to learn more about Love”! Let me tell you, I was stunned to hear that as well as compelled by his piercing blue eyes. “Then let’s have dinner,” I said, smiling. I had not dated in thirty-nine years. I was still married to Charles though living apart, afraid to end the marriage to my Beloved yet knowing it was most likely inevitable. That’s another story, and my Memoir, Tantra Goddess, tells that story. Will and Charles have a genuine love and respect for one another, which warms my heart to no end. They each appreciate how the other brings a special presence to me and how both have occupied long stretches of my life story.

After selling my Maui home in 2007, I permanently moved to Marin County, California and into a Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home with Will. Five years later we migrated to Lake Tahoe and then the Carson Valley in Nevada. After the sale of his business [a whole other story], he asked me, “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?”

A million-dollar question indeed … so I pondered and pondered while imagining the globe and where my choice might land and answered, “Someplace tropical … with an ocean I can swim in”.  A few hours later he calmly responded, “Panama”.  “Panama what and why?” I asked.

Where is Panama? I wasn’t exactly sure, but I instantly went to Google to find out! Perfect! Not one ocean, but two oceans to swim in!  “Okay,” I said, “who do you know who might lead us to someone who can help us make this move happen?” We were recommended by one of Will’s libertarian friends to Rainelda Mata-Kelly, the top name in legal Immigration services in Panama City, and 3 years later… here we are! Permanent residents with alien-looking photos on our ID cards to prove it!

We are not married, though we now have a contract called “Domestic Partnership” … a legal agreement in 50 states. It gives us the right to make medical decisions about one another if we ever have to. Neither of us believes in the institution of marriage, nor do we want to be married. That’s a 3-way “agreement” with the “State” as party # 3. Phooey on that!

Trusting in my heart and my gut is what got me here. In many ways, we are as different as night from day. Yet we live together in the harmony and domesticity that really works during this Next Season of My Life… 

            “When I was one I had just begun

            When I was two I was nearly new

            When I was three I was hardly me

            When I was four I was not much more

            When I was five I was just alive

            But now I am six; I am clever as clever;

 So I think I will be six now forever and ever…

            From:  Winnie The Pooh and Me

Your ever-lovin’ Carolina

I had the honor of spending 90 minutes recently being interviewed by Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Conscious Uncoupling, for one of her private classes. It sparked powerful memories and fifty-odd years of relationship, love, separation. and divorce.

While many are doing the sacred work of “uncoupling,” I have lived that sacred work with Charles successfully since 1997. Best Beloved Friends is a worthy choice during and after ending what we believed was a “forever” marriage.

Now I share with you the picture that was taken of my first kiss with Will, fifteen years ago at Maui airport saying good-bye and Aloha to the only man who claimed my attention after my separation and ultimate divorce with the Beloved Charles, four years prior.

I pasted this little saying to the photo many moons ago and it’s still there, proudly the centerpiece of one of many altars in our home.

In speaking with Katherine I authentically praised her very successful and best-selling book, Calling In The One. I ponder about “the One,” having felt each time that I was marrying the One. Each moment with the One is each moment with whomever I am with, if that makes any sense to you. That, to me, is full Connection or showing up in full presence with each invitation to become “one.”

In my wisdom years, I now acknowledge there are more “the Ones” than we can ever imagine. Yet aching and yearning for the One is a function inside each of us that drives our psyche and our sexuality forward. In my thirty years of guiding and participating in Tantric Pujas (a moving mandala of loving presence with each person), I developed the skill of bringing one hundred percent of me into presence with a new individual each moment and in every breath. The tall, the short, or the not so attractive are each The One for those few precious moments in time.

This practice has taught me how huge love really is! And as the little sign in the picture says, staying in love is where real love resides. Living the love that I am is not always easy. I get irritable… I get impatient… I move at a different speed of light than my dearest One… I am annoyed when hard of hearing seems to be his choice, rather than his problem.

But real love, not pretend love, is the outcome of this awareness. This is the staying in love, deepening into love, and growing into the love that happens when a couple ages together over the long term of relationship. I would love to hear about YOUR experience of the work and the commitment it takes to continue deepening into the warm river of unconditional love …

To The One, Caroline

Heart Wide Open

Dear Friend of Love,
 
Since you are Divine Feminine Family, I know you are a friend of Love. At this time of year, as with any other time of year, let your “heart break wide open so that the whole world falls in.” These are a few of the lyrics of this gift of song from Danya River, the daughter of dear friends of mine, Robert and Judith Gass.
 
Songs that evoke an opening in the heart have been foundational to my own Awakening. Please allow a song such as this to also touch your heart as you remember the deepest meaning of Christmas, and the everlasting truth brought to all of us by the Christ’s message: to…
 
LOVE ONE ANOTHER!
 
As I send my love to you,
 
Caroline, Queen of Hearts

Rarely have I ever seen this particular topic covered with such elegance as in the Tedx talk delivered by Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage-Boosting Your Marriage Libido. She does a great job of revealing the pitfalls of a relationship where one partner desperately wants sex and the other is apathetic or unwilling.

 

One of my favorite parts in her talk is when she speaks about her real-life client stories. In particular, she talks about one spouse who reluctantly agrees to have sex, then remembers how enjoyable it is. Sadly, the spouse usually forgets again and the cycle continues.

 

Ms. Weiner-Davis talks about how a long-term sex-starved marriage often leads to divorce. She believes that there are ways to heal such situations, and gives 3 lessons:

 

1. You need to know your own way of connecting, but even more importantly, you need to become an expert in how your partner wants to connect.

 

2. If you are with someone who is yearning for more closeness, don’t delude yourself into thinking that sex is just “scratching an itch” and not that important. It’s a powerful way of connecting and bonding with someone you love.

 

3. When you understand your partner’s way of connecting, whether you agree with it or not, just do it. Healthy relationships are based on mutual caretaking and acts of love.

 

She concludes by saying that we have to take better care of each other to make the world a more loving place, one marriage, one relationship at a time.

 

I would love to get your input on this.

 

Big Love, Caroline

by Caroline Muir “Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.”

Fire heartPriest and philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was on to something. If his words seem startling, it’s because we don’t usually think of love as a force of nature. But indeed it is! Love is one of the most powerful forces in the world. Some mystics say there are only two forces at work: love and fear… light and dark… the beginning and the end.

Sex is an expression of love, as taught historically in ancient India by the Tantric cultures. Yet, it must be sex practiced as an art form, as an offering to the Divine; as a yoga where union of male and female energies are expressed in human form, integrated  with the holy and the sacred. Passion is our birthright while pleasure is a close companion of passion. What inhibits some is the fear of the power of passion. There is passion in sex, just as there is passion for life, for success, for money, for our children… for everything that sings of aliveness.

Blue hands out sun ray tight crop resizeEverywhere I go, people notice something unique about me. I can finally admit this, having turned away many times from their recognition. Owning who I am… owning who you are… is Grace. It is a message to creation that you are paying attention. Vitality is a sister to aliveness. How do you rate your vitality? Does it accompany you throughout your day? What do you do about your vitality when it wanes? Rest? Push through? Drink more coffee?

In fact, much of your vitality is fueled by your sexual energy. That does not mean you need to have sex in order to be vital. In fact, sex often robs us of vitality if sex is something that is endured or done for the benefit of someone else. Education and rewiring of our thought forms about sex and sexual energy is essential in order to tap into the vitality and aliveness that sexual loving can offer.

Need a boost in your vitality, your aliveness, your passion? Bali is calling you! Come ride the biggest wave in history with me and bring your enchanted surfboards and magic carpets! Gals, we are rewriting Herstory with our persuasion and power to love with abandon. Wo[Man] creates Fire for the second time in history!